Our Cincinnati Football Bengals made a few surprise cuts and moves over the weekend in getting down to the opening day 53-man roster. But don’t be surprised if subsequent moves are made right after the New England game. I’m still not 100 percent sure T.J. Ponytail (us poor Cincinnati people) might not land back in stripes. Remember the last time Marvin Lewis told us a certain WR wouldn’t be returning? And you have to believe they’s prefer a veteran QB backing up Palmer – and Baby Palmer and a newly acquired rookie isn’t enough for a legit Super Bowl run.

Here’s your 2010 Cincinnati Bengals (for now) –

OFFENSE

QB – Carson Palmer, Jordan Palmer, Dan LeFevour

TB – Cedric Benson, Bernard Scott, Cedric Peerman, Brian Leonard

LT – Andrew Whitworth, Anthony Collins

LG – Nate Livings, Evan Mathis

C – Kyle Cook, Reggie Stephens

G – Bobbie Williams, Evan Mathis, Dennis Roland, Andre Smith

TE – Jermaine Gresham, Reggie Kelly, Daniel Coats

WR – Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Jerome Shipley, Andre Caldwell, Jerome Simpson, Quan Cosby

FB: Daniel Coats, Dan Skuta, Brian Leonard

DEFENSE

DE – Robert Geathers, Jonathan Fanene, Antwan Odom, Frostee Rucker, Carlos Dunlap

DT – Domata Peko, Geno Atkins, Tank Johnson, Pat Sims

LB – Rey Maualuga, Michael Johnson, Dan Skuta, Dhani Jones, Roddrick Muckelroy, Keith Rivers, Brandon Johnson

CB – Johnathan Joseph, Adam Jones, Leon Hall, Morgan Trent, Brandon Ghee

SS – Roy Williams, Chinedum Ndukwe

FS – Chris Crocker, Reggie Nelson

SPECIALISTS

PK - Mike Nugent, Kevin Huber

P – Kevin Huber, Mike Nugent

KR – Bernard Scott, Andre Caldwell

PR – Adam Jones, Quan Cosby

LS – Clark Harris

Bengals WR Jerome Simpson has puzzled coaches for two years.

I said it here a week ago. Or maybe a month ago (oh, I forget … time has no meaning trapped down here in a Colombian coal mine). The 2010 knee-season, oops, I mean pre-season, was all about Jerome Simpson. Okay, toss in a little, tiny, itsy-bitsey bit of  Pacman and Matt Jones. But this pre-season was all Jerome.

So, do we write off the two “developmental” seasons? Admit defeat? Cut our losses? Blame Bush? Get drunk, and then blame Bush? Or do we saddle up, again, for year three? Remember, this pre-season was all about Jerome.  But as Yoda told us in the greatest movie ever made, The Empire Strikes Back … “there is another.”

And his name is Mr. D.Z. Briscoe.

According to reports out of Bengalton, DC (courtesy of press secretary GEOFF HOBSON) -

Go with Simpson and the big-league measurable and while he has struggled with the scheme he has also been in it now for three years. Or go with Briscoe, a guy that showed how good his technique is despite turning just 21 on Tuesday. The Bengals could keep Simpson and try to put Briscoe on the practice squad, but Briscoe was a high-profile player at Kansas and that TD is now on tape. So someone could claim him either off waivers or off the practice squad once it is formed Sunday.

Hmmmm. Jeee-rome or D.Z? … D.Z. or Jeee-rome?

For the record, Briscoe will last on the practice squad about as long as four apples pies would survive cooling in a kitchen window with Bengals RT Entree Smith around. Not long, buddy. I agree with Hobson’s assessment … it’s very likely the coaching staff is mulling over Jeee-rome or D.Z? … D.Z. or Jeee-rome?

Bengals don’t need another “route runner” guy.

We have Ocho, Andre Caldwell and Jordan Shipley to run precise routes. The Bengals need … Palmer needs … I need … you need a deep-threat, playmaker stud. Not a route-runner. For all the Ocho fan, I’m sorry … his days of running past people and catching long TD passes are gone. Terrell Owens is this team’s primary long-ball threat.

So, the votes are in and 76 percent of Americans feel Jerome’s the guy. He had a decent pre-season, and a strong showing in the Indy game.

Look, very few WRs make serious contributions their rookie season, and count Briscoe in that group. If we’re looking for a deep threat (yes, we are) … looking for someone who knows the system (yes, we are) … and looking for someone with the best chance of contributing this year (yes, we are!) … I say it’s Jeee-rome.

Because 76 percent of Americans can’t be wrong.

2010: Run Marvin, Run vs. Pass Marvin, Pass.

Okay, so they’re not quite the ’70s Chargers, ’80s Dolphins or even the ‘05 Bengals yet, but Whodey Nation’s gotta be at least a little jazzed, because Terrell Owens is still the real deal, and rookies Jermaine Gresham and Jordan Shipley are making this passing game better. A lot better. So what now?

Our Cincinnati Football Bengals (3-2) last night concluded the 2010 NFL Knee-Season with a 30-28 trouncing of our next-door-neighbor Indy Colt. So what now? 

Of the pressing questions surrounding this 2010 Bengals team, none were more important than the status of Carson & Company. Is Carson Palmer done with? Who’s the No. 1 WR? Is there a No. 1 WR? Can Gresham be a factor? Will Shipley contribute in the slot? The list goes on and on.

After the Can’ton Calapse, Cincinnati’s offense did show life in most of the following Knee-Season games – and most notably, providing a peek at Palmer 2.0. After an atrocious start in the HOF Game, Palmer’s 2010 Knee-Season stats turned out just fine – 42 of 59 (71%) for 415 yard and couple TDs.  And Owens rocked, Gresham shined – and Shipley didn’t disappoint.

Okay, so what now?

Because it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to know head coach Marvin Lewis really, really likes running the football – nor does it require brain scientists to know this team can really, really throw the ball. So which Marvin wins out? Honestly, I have no clue.

My powerful Jedi instincts say Lewis is slightly intrigued by the apparent re-emergence of the Bengals passing game, with the Owens, Gresham and Shipley additions giving strong call-backs to that bad-ass ‘05 air attack (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know they haven’t gone up against the live ammo of real NFL first-team defenses in a regular-season game – but trust me, these guys can play).

But is it enough to squeeze out Lewis’ frakken Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator mentality? Will 2010 basically be 2009 with a few meaningless, stat-padding passes thrown in? Which Marvin Lewis game face do we see in ‘10? Is it Marvin with the runs, again … or Lewis with balls in the air?

Penalty flags were on the field more than Andre Smith....

The Bengals played their fourth exhibition game last night.  Yipee!  Thanks to the booby prize for being selected to play in the Hall of Fame game 3 weeks ago, the Bengals still have one more meaningless preseason game to go.

Although trying to extract meaning from an exhibition game is like trying to get the truth out of the brain trust in Washington…  let’s pretend that last night’s ”game” was important enough to analyze.

The GOOD:  After Adam Jones ran back the opening kickoff past midfield, the Bengals starters on Offense looked ready for the Patriots in week 1.  Carson was sharp, throwing TD passes to Chad Stupid Name and #1 draft choice Jerome Gresham, while  my favorite new Bengal Jordan Shipley had a team-high 5 receptions.  Cedric looked strong as usual even though he and the first team O got stuffed on a 4th and 1.

The biggest surprise in last night’s “game”:  The Bengals were visited by the No Huddle Offense, welcoming it like long-lost family returning home for an unannounced visit.

The BAD:  The starting Defense did their best impersonation of Swiss cheese, leaving plenty of holes and a gamy odor in its wake.  Pressure on the opposing QB continues to be as elusive as is sustainability to government spending.  While JTO kept the Bengals in the game while he was under center,  ‘Lil Palmer showed that he is not ready for prime time, throwing a pick-six from the Bengals 20 to put the “game” out of reach.  (Good thing for Jordan that the Bengals’ management is big fan of nepotism, which should keep him safely on the  roster.)

The UGLY:  On the injury front, rookie Cornerback Brandon Ghee had a nasty helmet-to-helmet meeting with a  Buffalo Bill, leaving Ghee motionless for several minutes.  (What would preseason football be without the threat of career-threatening injuries, eh?)

Of course, any “Ugly” list would be without credibility if we didn’t mention Andre”Big Tub Of Goo” Smith. The Bengals decision to draft him # 1 in the 2008 draft appears to be about as ugly as anything seen on or off the field.

In hindsight, a better choice than the Bengals 1st round pick in '08?

But perhaps even uglier than Ghee’s collision and Smith’s work ethic was the Bengals collecting 12 yellow hankies.  It wasn’t enough to average 10 penalties per game before last night, so they outdid themselves last night with 12.  While it appears that a Marvin Lewis team and penalties go together like  Congress and deficit, we at Oddbounces cannot let this rest without protest.  Is it really too much to ask the Bengals stop giving away ~100 yards in field position every game?  The sort-of Bengals game against the sort-of Colts Thursday is their last chance to figure out how before it will start costing them W’s.  Is that too much to ask, Marvin?

Nuff said.

Does Andre Smith know that it's impossible to genetically determine the sex of a platypus?

Over the weekend, I was conducting field research on my latest preoccupation, the mating habits of hot celebrit…err, monotremes, when I had an epiphany about Andre Smith.

What, you don’t know monotremes? Well, you haven’t been spending enough time at Oddbounces then, have you? Long-time ‘bouncers come here all the time for just these sort of zoological ice breakers at their tailgate parties.

Anyway, I was brushing up on the platypus, one of only two known monotremes (the other the echidna, if you must know). This bizarre creature has baffled naturalists for over 200 years. Why? It’s a venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal that lays eggs. It needs to eat 20 percent of its own weight each day…meaning it spends 12 hours a day looking for food. Most scientists of the day thought it to be an absurd, ridiculous fraud.

Two hundred years later…

My epiphany hit me like a ball peen hammer. Before me was the vision of a ravenous Andre “Big Tub of Goo” Smith — with a duck bill, beaver tail, and huge otter feet. Not more than 10 feet in front of me, a hungry, drooling, lactating Smith lay on its back, effortlessly crapping out a pile of big, fat eggs.

The blob-like underbelly of Platypus Man in the wild.

And I do mean crapping them out. Platypi pee, fart, crap and have sex all from the same orifice. Kind of like the players union. Can you picture a 360-pound man-platypus squeezing out fresh eggs with a constipated grin on his face? Well, I couldn’t, until I saw it myself. And if Smith ever gets on the field, you’ll see this rarified oddity too. But you’ll wish you hadn’t.

It now seems clear that Smith, a modern monotreme, is the last survivor of an early branching of the mammal tree. He is, in fact, the missing man-platypus link that exists only to eat, lay eggs, and be ridiculed by the football community as a fraud.

And brilliant thinkers that they are, the Bengals drafted it.

Platypus Man, I Hate You!

Visions from '08. This OL is better, but not good enough.

Let us bow our heads and give thanks. We’re three games into this meat grinder called NFL Preseason, and so far just one player lost for the year. Just one. So far. But as Nuff tells us – close your eyes and hold your breath.

In the Friday Night Lights against the dangerous Philadelphia Eagles at PB Stadium, the Boys In Stripes gave us just enough to satisfy the hunger. Just enough to quench the thirst. Just enough to feel “okay” after Meat Grinder Game 3.

I mean, is anyone wagering their house (providing you still have one) the Bengals win the 2010 Super Bowl? Umm, not quite yet. But I have to say, it’s been a weird preseason, because I’ve seen exactly the same number of events that both excite and concern me. For today’s post, I’ll share my Five Biggest Concerns.

Way Less Than Stellar, But Better Than Totally Suckin’ OL Play. Make no mistake, Carson Palmer and this team is only as good as the offensive line. My pornographic – ooops, I mean photographic –  memory vividly recalls in ‘05 Palmer nesting in large, comfortable pockets for 3, 4 even 5 seconds. 

While some are comparing the 2010 Bengals to the Super Bowl teams of ‘82 and ‘89, I say no way. Both those teams had Top 3 OLs (in my opinion the ‘89 OL ranks as one of the NFL’s all-time greatest).  There’s not one current Bengals OL’er that could start on those teams – and very few if any could even make the roster. While it’s not 2008 and visions of a bloody Palmer leaving the field, this 2010 OL is a MAJOR concern.   

Key Bengals foes in '10 - Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Little Yellow Hankys.

Footin’ The Pill. Jeez I hate talkin’ about frakkin place kickers. I wish the NFL could find a way to entirely eliminate field goals from the game (but I digress). This auditioning new kickers thing has me worried. I was barely a Shane Graham fan, but as the season approaches I’m gettin’ icky mental images of one 35-yard field goal after another being missed – resulting in a stream of 1- and  3-point losses. Not good.

Endless, Mindless, Careless, Brainless, Excuseless Penalties. My poor typing fingers are drained. Wiped out. They have nothing left in the tank. Marvin Lewis-coached teams for whatever reason are simply incapable of eliminating endless, mindless, careless, brainless, excuseless penalties. It’s just a fact of life. So, I’m done ranting on this issue. 

If you date Lindsay Lohan, you get a slutty girlfriend who can drink and drug you under the table. If you’re a Bengals fan, you get endless, mindless, careless, brainless, excuseless penalties every game. Goes with the territory, I guess.

Week In, Week Out Pass Rush. Don’t get me wrong, I’m big-time digging The Michael Johnson Experiment, and what Geno Atkins is showing. But can anyone with utmost confidence say this team has made dramatic steps forward in the pass rush? Look, no NFL team can have a sustained pass rush without at least one solid, pass-harrassing DE. And I remain unconvinced that either Robert Geathers or Antwan Odom is that DE. Are you?

BFFs Batman & Robin. Has anyone else noticed, every time the cameras pan to newcomer Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson on the sideline, the two are alone, off and away from other teammates? It’s great they’re super-duper BFFs and all, but I fear they either already have, or will, distance themselves from the rest of the team. Hope I’m wrong.

That’s my Five Biggest Concerns. What’s Yours?

Keep clickin'-- is it September 19th yet?

The Cincinnati Bengals played the Philly Eagles last night at PBS – we won. Pinch me, I must be dreaming.

You probably know how we feel about exhibition NFL football here at Oddbounces. The motto engraved on our World Headquarters reads, “Can we instead click our heels three times and be kicking off against the Pats on September 12?” So, in case you missed the thrill-a-minute of exhibition NFLfootball last night at PBS, here’s what was almost news-worthy: 

On the POSITIVE, the D was much improved, Carson & TO went long, Adam Jones looked good on two return runs and Gino Atkins got another sack.  “Yeah– Wa-Hoooo– Whodey!” he said sarcastically. And as always, Bernard Scott looked sweet.

On the NEGATIVE: The Bengals had 10 penalties again, maintaining their ridiculous average of ten per game. It looks like neither Mike Nugent or Dave Rayner will win the Kicking job; rather, one of them will lose the job. Andre “Big Tub of Goo” Smith finally got in the game, and looked, well, like a big tub of goo who was frequently a second late on blocks and a second early on the snap count. Even though JTO didn’t look as bad as last week, it’s still painfully obvious if Carson goes out for any reason, the Bengals are soooooo screwed. 

And last but not least, to accentuate the ridiculousness of exhibition NFL football, Safety Gibri Wilson tore up his knee and is done for the season.  D’oh!

Straight up, I hate NFL preseason games. Deplore them. Wish the worst on ‘em. Aside from being a money grab for the NFL and team owners, preseasons are nothing more than Injury Row – places where valuable football player’s seasons get snuffed out in the blink of a poked eye.

Basically, the three remaining preseason games are 90 percent about making money, and 10 percent about regular season prep. Problem is, several ACLs and Achilles Tendons will suffer along the way. Surgeries and rehabs will be scheduled. Injury Reserve paperwork will be processed.

And the worst part is, despite what coaches say about all that fierce competition at the various positions, going in they’re 99.99% sure who’s making the team, and who isn’t. So, to me, the only real question about Bengals Preseason 2010 is …  Jerome Simpson.

Yep, that’s it. Jerome Simpson.

Trust me, Bengals coaches already know the final roster … except for Simpson. Yep, this preseason is all about Simpson … and I say he makes it. So there. Done. Fineeeeto. Cool … this dreadful preseason is over. Woohoo!

Damn, if it were only that easy.

After watching Simpson in two preseason games, I am again reminded of his lure.  The obvious natural talent. The athleticism. The hands. In fact, I thought he was one of the few bright spots last week in The Can’ton Collapse. Okay, he didn’t put up big stats in that game, but each time O’Sullivan grossly over- or under-through him, Simpson was open. To me, last night’s sweet 21-yard reception in a 33-24 thumping of the Denver Broncos seals the deal.

I say Simpson’s in.

The other encouraging event was the OL play. Not steller, yet … but at least we’re not sickened they got paid for last night. To their credit, the OL provided QB Carson Palmer with some time in the pocket … and when he’s got time, he looks good.

Palmer’s 12-15 night for 105 is just what the doc ordered … it’s obvious he’ll only be as good this season as the OL lets him.

Other encouraging signs last night were:  Rookie WR Jordan Shipley, who’s teasing us with some serious Wes Welker-like play. Bernard Scott continues to prove he may be the Bengals best-ever 6th-round Draft pick. And my boy Jermaine Gresham is giving us peaks at life with a real TE threat. Finally.

But the defense, to me anyway, has been a major disappointment … gotta say we’re a little concerned here at Oddbounces. So far, this is no No. 4-ranked D.

So it’s on to preseason game 3. Get the stretchers ready.

Soon-to-be new home of Andre Smith?

Realizing his gravy train NFL ”career” might be as short-lived as Lindsey Lohan’s imprisonment and about as substantive as yesterday’s all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, Andre “Big Tub of Goo” Smith has taken a cue from a couple of his Bengals teammates regarding his life after football: Reality TV.

In an Oddbounces exclusive, super-skinny Oddbounces summer intern Whit Slimman broke the story from deep within the plumbing of the Georgetown training table. In a conversation between Smith and an unidentified programming staffer from the Food Network, Whit overheard discussions about a food-focused reality program starring the XXXXXL Smith and his gelatinous midsection.

Already preparing for his career after football, Andre Smith demonstrated his life's calling: Competitive Hamburglaring

  The working title of  Smith’s reality show is “Sloth Or Consequences?” 

Regarding development of a pilot episode, Witt reported that some of the programming under consideration includes  Competetive Hamburglaring contests,  educational features like a drive-through digestion laboratory, audience participation segments such as “America’s Fattest Home Videos” and games such as, “Wake Up His Lazy Ass?”, “Andre Dealt It, Who Smelt It?” and “Stretch Mark, Scar or Baby Fat?”

When asked to verify this development, disstressed Food Network spokeswoman Julii would not discuss this issue with Oddbounces. 

“You just don’t understand…I have a lemon cake in the oven that isn’t rising, Bearnaise sauce that’s separating and my peach custard flambe is just about finished but my rum bottle is empty again, dammit,” an emotional Julii blurted out, in between uncontrollable sobs.   After gaining her composure, she later added that they have found eager corporate sponsors, including Hungry Man frozen dinners, Michelin Tires and Stay-Puff marshmallows.

The obvious downside to this development is that Andre will now be competing with fellow Bengals Chad Stupid Name and Terrell “I’m the O in Ego” Owens for top reality show on the team.  Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis dismissed the notion that this could hurt team chemistry and locker room camaraderie.

“Nah, I don’t see a problem,” said a disgusted Marvin Lewis, choking back the bile in his throat.  “You don’t think I’m going to let a few reality shows, two enormous egos and one ridiculous stomach stop us from moving ahead, do ya?  If these guys don’t want to focus on football first then Mr. Brown and the deeply nepotistic Bengals organization will press the panic button and they’ll  have newer unproven players to replace them next April.”

Andre Smith: Love him. Just be patient. Pass the gravy.

Nuff said.

RB Leonard - all things leaping.

Appears the Cincinnati football Bengals have dodged the dreaded preseason injury bullet with word that running back Brian Leonard’s foot injury isn’t season- or career-threatening. A mild foot sprain means he lives to play another day in a pretty talented backfield.  

A Bengals’ backfield featuring Cedric Benson, The Basher …  Bernard Scott, The Slasher … and Leonard, The Dasher.

Benson’s hard running style seems the perfect complement to Scott’s smoothie, jukey-jiverations. Mix in Leonard’s free-flowing, field-wide, all-things-leaping, and the Bengal’s have a pretty sweet concoction of RBs playing behind QB Carson Palmer.

Problem is (at least opinions among the Oddbounces Star Chamber), the Basher, Slasher and Dasher Trio was used last season less effectively than my 8-Track tape player.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I’m just a lowly sports blogger suffering from Lo-T and chronic head lice, so what do I know about utilizing three NFL running backs? Okay, I guess nothing … but I know what I see, and I saw nothing creative about The Basher, Slasher and Dasher Trio last season (image what Sam Wyche could do with these guys).

Scott, primarily used as a Benson injury replacement, carried just 74 times. Leonard toted it just 27 times, but did pull down 30 catches. Sorry, the Oddbounces Star Chamber says that’s just not enough.

Look, Leonard’s revised prognosis give us a second change with The Basher, Slasher & Dasher Trio … so let’s not blow it. The Oddbounces Star Chamber is urging Marvin Lewis and Bob Bratkowski this season to please, please, please better utilize these guys.

MEDICAL UPDATE: During Leonard’s recent foot examinations it was learned his uncanny tackler-leaping ability is actually a very rare muscular disorder that coincidently manifests as would-be tacklers approach.  “My whole family has it,” Leonard was overheard saying to a team physician. “You should see my sister leap large pick-up trucks, and Entree Smith’s dorm room fridge.”

Damn, my head itches.