Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis enjoys speaking to the press as much as fans enjoy listening to him. Well, almost.

“Hi Nuff. Welcome to Marvin Ignorers Anonymous. You’re not alone, as Bengals fans looking for insight, explanation or information know they’ll get none of that listening to Lewis’ press conferences.”

It’s true.  While words, cliches and “Marvin-isms” flow from Marvin’s mouth as freely as empty promises flow from Washington DC, Marvin Lewis rarely says anything to the media that’s worth hearing. If you’ve heard one of his bristling/indignant/poker-faced interviews, you’ve heard them all.

So Oddbounces staffers set out to help Bengal fans better understand Marvin when he speaks.  With a little help from Timzilla’s pet Norwegian blue parrot “PeeBee” and fancy-schmancy algorhythms from newest Oddbouncer Ben “Statistically Significant” Richards, we’re proud to introduce the sweet fruits of our labor: The Oddbounces “Say It, Don’t Cliche It, Marvin” Decoder Ring.  While it might not be as impactful as the code-breakers that helped the good guys win WWII, “Say It, Don’t Cliche It, Marvin” is guaranteed to help get Bengals fans through those grueling Marvin Lewis press conferences.  

With this useful tool, you’ll know what Marvin really means when he talks to the local media.  For example, some of the “Marvinism” translations:

“You can’t have turnovers and expect to win a football game”– You imbecile– do you think we tell our guys to fumble– do you think Carson tried to throw that pass directly to a defender in the end zone?

When Marvin speaks, the Oddbounces "Say It Don't Cliche It, Marvin" decoder spins into action“

“Be a fundamentally sound football team”– While I despise taking your questions, I will do my best to suppress the urge to strangle you if you dare attempt a follow-up question.

“We’ll be back here tomorrow to regroup– we need to  keep our guys moving forward and get back to work “–Thank God we still have Mike Zimmer.  If we had to rely on our offense to win games we’d be in even worse shape.

“We gotta keep making plays”– Unlike you and your media peers, my digestive evacuations are void of any accompanying unpleasant odor . 

 “Penalties like that are not acceptable at this level, and the guys know that.”– I wonder if there is a chance for me to get the head coaching job in Washington?  Or Baltimore?  Maybe Pittsburgh?  Hell, I’d even consider Cleveland or Buffalo if it gets me away from this organization.  

 “We need to be able to run the football and we need to be able to pass the ball”– Slap my ass and call me Katie, YOU try winning two years in a row with the absurd boundaries under which employees of this nepotistic organization must operate….  

“Our guys need to do better, our coaches need to do better and I need to do better”–Mmm, I’d really enjoy a roast beef on rye, extra mayo with a dill spear and a hand full of Bugels– to go, of course.  

“Ced carried the ball 35 times yesterday, but he’s a strong guy and he seemed to get stronger as the game went on”–Even though it’s been 6 weeks, sooner or later they are going to know that I traded Coach

Does Andre Smith know that it's impossible to genetically determine the sex of a platypus?

Over the weekend, I was conducting field research on my latest preoccupation, the mating habits of hot celebrit…err, monotremes, when I had an epiphany about Andre Smith.

What, you don’t know monotremes? Well, you haven’t been spending enough time at Oddbounces then, have you? Long-time ‘bouncers come here all the time for just these sort of zoological ice breakers at their tailgate parties.

Anyway, I was brushing up on the platypus, one of only two known monotremes (the other the echidna, if you must know). This bizarre creature has baffled naturalists for over 200 years. Why? It’s a venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal that lays eggs. It needs to eat 20 percent of its own weight each day…meaning it spends 12 hours a day looking for food. Most scientists of the day thought it to be an absurd, ridiculous fraud.

Two hundred years later…

My epiphany hit me like a ball peen hammer. Before me was the vision of a ravenous Andre “Big Tub of Goo” Smith — with a duck bill, beaver tail, and huge otter feet. Not more than 10 feet in front of me, a hungry, drooling, lactating Smith lay on its back, effortlessly crapping out a pile of big, fat eggs.

The blob-like underbelly of Platypus Man in the wild.

And I do mean crapping them out. Platypi pee, fart, crap and have sex all from the same orifice. Kind of like the players union. Can you picture a 360-pound man-platypus squeezing out fresh eggs with a constipated grin on his face? Well, I couldn’t, until I saw it myself. And if Smith ever gets on the field, you’ll see this rarified oddity too. But you’ll wish you hadn’t.

It now seems clear that Smith, a modern monotreme, is the last survivor of an early branching of the mammal tree. He is, in fact, the missing man-platypus link that exists only to eat, lay eggs, and be ridiculed by the football community as a fraud.

And brilliant thinkers that they are, the Bengals drafted it.

Platypus Man, I Hate You!

Soon-to-be new home of Andre Smith?

Realizing his gravy train NFL ”career” might be as short-lived as Lindsey Lohan’s imprisonment and about as substantive as yesterday’s all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, Andre “Big Tub of Goo” Smith has taken a cue from a couple of his Bengals teammates regarding his life after football: Reality TV.

In an Oddbounces exclusive, super-skinny Oddbounces summer intern Whit Slimman broke the story from deep within the plumbing of the Georgetown training table. In a conversation between Smith and an unidentified programming staffer from the Food Network, Whit overheard discussions about a food-focused reality program starring the XXXXXL Smith and his gelatinous midsection.

Already preparing for his career after football, Andre Smith demonstrated his life's calling: Competitive Hamburglaring

  The working title of  Smith’s reality show is “Sloth Or Consequences?” 

Regarding development of a pilot episode, Witt reported that some of the programming under consideration includes  Competetive Hamburglaring contests,  educational features like a drive-through digestion laboratory, audience participation segments such as “America’s Fattest Home Videos” and games such as, “Wake Up His Lazy Ass?”, “Andre Dealt It, Who Smelt It?” and “Stretch Mark, Scar or Baby Fat?”

When asked to verify this development, disstressed Food Network spokeswoman Julii would not discuss this issue with Oddbounces. 

“You just don’t understand…I have a lemon cake in the oven that isn’t rising, Bearnaise sauce that’s separating and my peach custard flambe is just about finished but my rum bottle is empty again, dammit,” an emotional Julii blurted out, in between uncontrollable sobs.   After gaining her composure, she later added that they have found eager corporate sponsors, including Hungry Man frozen dinners, Michelin Tires and Stay-Puff marshmallows.

The obvious downside to this development is that Andre will now be competing with fellow Bengals Chad Stupid Name and Terrell “I’m the O in Ego” Owens for top reality show on the team.  Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis dismissed the notion that this could hurt team chemistry and locker room camaraderie.

“Nah, I don’t see a problem,” said a disgusted Marvin Lewis, choking back the bile in his throat.  “You don’t think I’m going to let a few reality shows, two enormous egos and one ridiculous stomach stop us from moving ahead, do ya?  If these guys don’t want to focus on football first then Mr. Brown and the deeply nepotistic Bengals organization will press the panic button and they’ll  have newer unproven players to replace them next April.”

Andre Smith: Love him. Just be patient. Pass the gravy.

Nuff said.

By Nuff Johnson  

At first glance it looked as if Ben Roethlisberger was attempting to clean up his tattered image by reaching out to his alma mater, Miami University.  In an Oddbounces exclusive, rookie intern Kim Kimmy discovered that Roethlisberger informed Miami University Board of Trustees that, with nothing but time on his hands, he would like to service the university and reach out to the student body.      

Pig Ben's trusty sidekick?

  (Unless you sleep under a bridge and get your news from the  newspaper that doubles as your blanket, you know that the Steelers’ QB has been suspended by the NFL for 6 games.  Manhandling diminutive co-eds and evading legal prosecution are not supposed to be things that you associate with Super Bowl MVP’s.  But this is not your father’s NFL, and this is the behavior that has become standard operating procedure for the arrogant Roethlisberger.   

His recent misbehavior earned him the deserved nickname “Pig Ben” from Houdino, Oddbounces writer freshly arisen from hibernation.)      

While addressing the Board,  Ben appeared to be unprepared for the onslaught of questions that came out of his announcement.  When asked about his plan to right his wrongs, his message to students and the lessons he would use as the basis of his program,  he was clearly unprepared.  Ben called an audible and pleaded with MU officials for a ”time out” during  the onslaught of questions.      

Later, during a moment of  pure Ben-ness”, Roethlisberger opened up to the fresh-faced Kim Kimmy about what he hoped would happen.   According to a shaken Kimmy, it went something like this:      

Pig Ben's mantra: Liquor after liquor gets them there quicker

 “Heh, how you doing?  What grade are you in? You do know who I am, right?”  said an un-smooth Roethlisberger.    

Thinking he was well on his way to paydirt, he followed up with, “I got a cooler of PBR and some Jaegger in my truck, and maybe a roofie or two.  Then I’ll drag you behind the football stadium and introduce you to ”Little Ben”.      

Miami officials intervened on Kimmy’s behalf, while at the same time attempting to preserve whatever dignity Roethlisberger may still have intact.   University trustees quickly introduced a 3-part motion requesting that  Mr. Roethlisberger:     

1)  Button your fly and pour out that beer bong      

2)  Put that new Oddbounces intern down– now!       

3)  There’s something slick, slimy and furry on your head–get it out of here!       

The motion passed without opposition, bringing Mr. Roethlisberg’s return to Miami short-lived–very short-lived. When asked to comment on the swift reaction by the Board, an angry Ben lashed out at, well, everyone.      

Sometimes you feel like a rat's nest mullet, sometimes you don't.

 ”This just proves what I’ve always felt about Miami U– this place is run by anti-mullet racists.”       

At last report, Ben was trying to reach NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence “Ain’t nothing statutory about anything I do” Taylor, reportedly to form an AAA chapter, the fledgling support group for Arrogant Accused Athletes.  

Nuff said.

Iconic rock band 'The Who' shown arriving at Miami International Airport for Super Bowl gig.

By MeanJoe Gene

Okay, so The Who are ready to rock out the Super Bowl today, and moldy old lead singer Roger Daltry says it’s “15 minutes you’ll never get back.”

But why would you want it back?

Rock legend Peter Townsend remarked, “When Roger and I take the stage as half of The Who, it’ll be awesome … I mean, what better way to celebrate half a game than with half a band.”

When asked about the upcoming performance Townsend said, “Playing with a full band would be inappropriate, because the other two dudes are dead, so Roger and I would have an unfair advantage. Besides, whole bands are only appropriate when a whole game has been played.”

So the iconic British rocker duo is set to perform some of their classics, including Pinball Wizard, My Generation, Happy Jack and the stupidly named Baba O’Riley, of which Daltry says is “an incredible song written while we were high on drugs, raspberry incense and Monty Python.

"Peter and me are going rock this town, like the early days of MTV ... not that rap crap they do today," says Roger Daltry. "Hey, where's that cute little MTV chick who used be on the show. Mary? Marilyn? Martha? Ah, I forget her name. Shit."

“And just disregard the fact we say ‘teenage wasteland’ throughout … okay, if we’d known about Google we’d named it Teenage Wasteland. Damn, we really booted that one.”

The set for the halftime rock show includes a giant inflatable panda bear, a full-scale replica of a Styrofoam cup and 100 pairs of yellow rubber fishing waders. And Townsend is giddy. “Everyone watch closely, cuz Roger may pull back my shirt, releasing my hairy little 83-year-old nipple.”

The Who guitarist Peter Townsend gets in morning run on Miami Beach prior to Super Bowl performance.

When asked which Super Bowl team they hope wins the game, both replied, “Game? Isn’t this Woodstock 3?”

By Nuff Johnson

Even "The Man Of Steel" couldn't save Obama's health care plan.

In the wake of the political kryptonite exploding on Massachusettes’ election Tuesday, President Barrack Obama is doing an end-run faster than a speeding bullet.

Realizing his lofty health care reform plan is on life support, Obama has abruptly shifted focus towards another American icon: NFL football.

Apparently tinkering with banks, automobile manufacturers, the nation’s monetary policy and health care has left the President with idle time.

To fill it, Obama announced he is adding a new role to his resumé: NFL Point Czar.

“As an underprivileged youth growing up on the streets of Kenya, I was deprived of the opportunity to closely follow the NFL,” Obama said.

“But I have always been a passionate fan of the NFL … and I see a disturbing trend: teams with superior talent, drive and preparation frequently outscore those teams that are less talented, less intense and are less prepared. It’s another example of the privileged taking advantage of the underprivileged.”

"I woulda made a fine NFL Point Czar" is what an envious Jimmy the Greek woulda said.

Obama went on to say: “This kind of class division is not the America that I know or want.  And it’s not the kind of America most Americans know and want. So as your President it’s my duty to right this wrong, and I start by appointing myself NFL Point Czar.”

Although details are unclear, it seems Obama wants to bring parity where it matters most; the game scoreboard. At the two-minute warning of each half, the team with the lead must give a portion of its points to their less-successful opponent.

Other options being discussed include handicapping those on the playing field to make it more level, such as forcing Troy Palamalu to play barefoot, Brett Favre donning a patch over one eye, and Payton Manning forced to wear clown-like, over-sized shoulder pads.

Oddbounces reporters wondered aloud how Obama’s end game might affect the Cincinnati Bengals.  Perhaps Mike Brown will be required to read a job description of an NFL General Manager?  Maybe Shayne Graham will be given up to three “do-overs” on field goal attempts in ’10.

Nuff said.

One picture: one thousand words, minimum.

By Timzilla

Letters and emails to Oddbounces Global Headquarters usually ask two questions—one, our understanding of the Bush Doctorine, and two, why this year no Bengals stories appeared in the national mainstream sports media?

Who says spreading world dispair can't be tastey, too.

Despite a division-winning, playoff-appearing 2009 season, Bengals fans were frustrated as they searched for good national stories—to no avail.

Just yesterday, in fact, Bianca Jigger wrote: “Hey Oddbounces, what’s your understanding of the Bush Doctorine, and why are the Bengals always ignored by ESPN and Sports Illustrated, and media like that?”

Good Question, Bianca.

The Bush Doctrine is easy. That was former President George Bush’s ambition to spread world despair while still making the best baked beans this side of Albuquerque.

But the Bengals question? That’s a bit harder.

So we dispatched free Oddbounces intern Jimmy Jyms dressed as an Islamic imam to infiltrate NFL Headquarters, where he uncovered some disparaging news.

Blonde-haired intern dressed as Islamic imam infiltrates NFL HQs.

Evidently the NFL has for years been submitting the word “Bengals” as “Spam” to all the major search engines, effectively sending all team stories directly to fans’ desktop trash cans.

“Okay, you caught us,” admitted a defiant NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We did it. So sue us. See how far you get, Bengals fans.”

However there is good news.

Sure, it’s a little after the fact but Bengals fans can find thousands of great 2009 Bengals stories in their trash, according to Jyms. “Just click and read articles from September about Shayne Graham’s clutch kicking, and how Ced Benson will be a bust,” the free intern said.

This chronic problem has been rectified for 2010 as the Oddbounces I.T. Dept yesterday hacked NFL HQ servers, where we secretly “unclicked” the little “Send To Spam” box next to the Bengals name.

Problem seems solved for 2010. We can expect lots of great national Bengals coverage next year.

By ‘Nuff Johnson

After broadcasting two embarrassing defeats in consecutive weekends nationwide, it appears NBC has seen enough of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Details of the ban indicate the Bengals are unlikely to be televised again until “the gates of hell are cold to the touch,” NBC spokesperson Dean Warner said before sheepishly adding, “… but please don’t tell anyone – wink wink.”

Did you ever notice how the Bengals front office seems to take their fans for granted?

Although first denying the allegations, Warner later acknowledged the Jay Leno Network no longer plans to televise Bengals games outside Greater Cincinnati.

Oddbounces learned the news shortly after Saturday’s playoff game (OK, more likely we overheard a conversation from a PortaPotty stall near the Longworth Hall parking lot, but let’s not split hairs).

“With back-to-back beat downs at the hands of a team led buy a Maybelline-model QB, the Bengals have show their true stripes,” said Warner. “NBC is placing the Bengals on double-secret probation ban until further notice.”

Oddbounces quickly asked what the network planned to run in place of Bengals games. “Heidi and Punky Brusters … or perhaps rebroadcast of C-SPAN debates on health care reform. Ooops, forget the C-SPAN thing.”

Oddbounces asked for a comment from Bengals Director of Business Development Bob Bedinghaus, who was all smiles.

“We are pleased with the 2009 season. We can claim a divisional title, got a playoff game at PBS and our net income exceeded our budget,” said Bedinghaus. When asked about any possible fallout from the team’s weak finish, Bedinghaus would only say, “Excuse me, but we have lots of cash to be counted … stacks and stacks before April’s draft.”

‘Nuff said.

It appears NFL Network’s Rich Eisen is the favorite to win NFL’s 2009 Most Ugly Award. Don’t forget to vote. Time’s running out! Click here to vote; scroll down to electronic ballot. “Yeah, Eisen is an ugly little dweeb,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell, “someone you’d like to punch, and you don’t even know why.”

Mark Sanchez wearing controversial Mexican colors mouthpiece.

By Timzilla

Maybelline model and Jets rookie signal-caller Mark Sanchez really stirred it up back in 2007 during a Trojan’s game against Notre Dame when he donned a controversial mouthpiece in the colors of the Mexican flag.

Sanchez, who’s American-born and doesn’t speak Spanish, said he was simply showing pride in his Hispanic heritage.

Some were offended, saying America provided his free education and opportunity to become a millionaire playing professional football, while others said “oh, c’mon, what’s the beef? … lighten up, no big deal.”

Sanchez to wear Rollie Fingers mustache mouthpiece.

The high-fashion, Juillard-trained QB is no doubt aiming to land multiple endorsement contracts, beyond Maybelline, so he’s backed off the controversial mouthpiece to avoid alienating potential global brands. Our sources say he’s close to landing deals with Revlon, Tampon and Playtex.

But Oddbounces’ crack team of free college interns wanted to dig deeper, so our Jimmy Jyms flew to New York to meet with the well-groomed Jets QB. Unfortunately Sanchez was “unavailable” to speak with Oddbounces, opting instead to do interviews with Cosmo, Seventeen and PrettyGirl magazines.

Jets QB to honor dead chicken farmer uncle with mouthpiece.

However, free intern Jimmy Jyms learned for Saturday’s playoff game Sanchez plans to show pride for various dead family members by wearing different mouthpieces on each offensive possession.

The mouthpieces will range from a Chicken Beak in honor of dead uncle Ramos, a former chicken farmer and Maybelline model himself, to a shrunken pygmy head.

For one drive I'll wear heavy red lipstick, says Sanchez.

Sanchez, with new highlights in his hair, also plans to just wear heavy red lipstick for one possession in honor of dead aunt Fannie, who reportedly died of Maybelline poisoning.

And if the League approves, he will also wear an awkwardly designed Rollie Fingers Mustache mouthpiece—it’s anyone’s guess as to why.

Oddbounces also discovered Sanchez intends to wear an actual sombrero on the game’s opening drive in honor of dead sombrero inventor Jay Lowe Sanchez. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had no comment on this boiling controversy. Oddbounces will continue covering this breaking story.

Sanchez shown practicing in sombrero to honor dead sombrero inventor.