The Stupid & Stupider Show.

Fresh off recent comments that he’s not certain he can work with Marvin Lewis in 2011, Bengals WR and team destroyer “The Roacho” is making noise again.

Yesterday, via The T. Ocho Show, The Roach stated the sole reason no team would sign Terrell Owens to a $4 million contract (as was Favre’s) is because Owens is black. The discussion was prompted by a question about Brett Favre’s 50K fine around the Jets situation.

“Time and time again, I’m always gonna put one of us in the situation,” Owens said, “and if it was somebody else, this right here would have been dealt with early on. What more can you get out of Brett Favre? They fined him 50 grand, that’s nothing. They just gave him 4 million extra dollars just to come back and play this year. Do you think somebody’s gonna give me an extra four million just to come back and play next year?”

The Roacho quickly replied:

“Do you know why they won’t give you an extra four million to play,” asked The Roach. “Because you’re black. Period. That case closed. If you wanna be honest, if you wanna be real. The season over, we can’t get in trouble. I will say what I please.”

So I guess he’s saying the Bengals were racist for not paying Owens with Favre-like money this past year. Does anyone else smell another 2008 Ocho Offseason Rant in the air? Terrific, just what we need. Lord help us.

Hell is coming to the Bengals in the shape, scowl, and fury of T.O. enforcer Chef Gordon Ramsay.

Look who’s cooking a man-sized bowl of whoop ass a la mode? None other than feared celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay. News that Ramsay just signed a one year-contract with the Cincinnati Bengals is spreading across the Internet today faster than a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat.

It appears the Bengals are mitigating the risky signing of Terrell Owens by hiring kitchen drill sergeant Chef Ramsay as their locker room counter-weight to the unpredictable receiver.

Here’s what the notoriously straight-forward Ramsay told us via phone in an exclusive interview earlier this morning as he prepared for his flight from London to meet with the team in time for the Hall of Fame game.

“Everyone thinks T.O.’s an arsehole. But I have a very assertive way. It’s shut up, move your arse, or piss off home. I maintain f***ing standards. When I ask T.O. a f***ing question, he better start with, ‘Yes, Chef!’

Asked what he knows about the antics of Chad Stupid Name and T.O., Ramsay replied, “I’ve been reading media reports on the two. I’m absolutely gobsmacked. They’re so carried away with the glamor side of football, and there’s nothing f***ing glamorous when you’re busting your nuts off. Not in my kitchen.”

Ramsay was also asked what he knows about American football. “Who the f*** are you to ask me what I know about it, you french pig! What I know about football is enough to shove up your f***ing arse. Would you like it whole or diced? Now get your breasts off the counter you bloody cow! Donkey!”

The conference call ended there (and yes, my breasts are a bit large for a man, but how the hell did he know that?”).

In a follow-up interview with Bengals equipment intern Benny Feinschwacker, Oddbounces learned that the Bengals have already ordered full-length cooking frocks for the entire coaching staff. All indications are that Lewis’ motivational theme this year – “Now Piss Off!” – was scripted by Ramsay as a not-so-subtle warning to T.O.

Editor’s Note: Throughout our exclusive interview with Ramsay, Oddbounces’ staff came away with some exciting cooking advice from the Michelin-starred chef, such as, “You know, ‘Zilla, if you saute’ scallops in a non-stick pan, they won’t stick. That’s why it’s called f***ing non-stiiiiiick!! I don’t know what they call it in Cincinnati, sweetheart, but f**k me!”

By Nuff Johnson  

At first glance it looked as if Ben Roethlisberger was attempting to clean up his tattered image by reaching out to his alma mater, Miami University.  In an Oddbounces exclusive, rookie intern Kim Kimmy discovered that Roethlisberger informed Miami University Board of Trustees that, with nothing but time on his hands, he would like to service the university and reach out to the student body.      

Pig Ben's trusty sidekick?

  (Unless you sleep under a bridge and get your news from the  newspaper that doubles as your blanket, you know that the Steelers’ QB has been suspended by the NFL for 6 games.  Manhandling diminutive co-eds and evading legal prosecution are not supposed to be things that you associate with Super Bowl MVP’s.  But this is not your father’s NFL, and this is the behavior that has become standard operating procedure for the arrogant Roethlisberger.   

His recent misbehavior earned him the deserved nickname “Pig Ben” from Houdino, Oddbounces writer freshly arisen from hibernation.)      

While addressing the Board,  Ben appeared to be unprepared for the onslaught of questions that came out of his announcement.  When asked about his plan to right his wrongs, his message to students and the lessons he would use as the basis of his program,  he was clearly unprepared.  Ben called an audible and pleaded with MU officials for a ”time out” during  the onslaught of questions.      

Later, during a moment of  pure Ben-ness”, Roethlisberger opened up to the fresh-faced Kim Kimmy about what he hoped would happen.   According to a shaken Kimmy, it went something like this:      

Pig Ben's mantra: Liquor after liquor gets them there quicker

 “Heh, how you doing?  What grade are you in? You do know who I am, right?”  said an un-smooth Roethlisberger.    

Thinking he was well on his way to paydirt, he followed up with, “I got a cooler of PBR and some Jaegger in my truck, and maybe a roofie or two.  Then I’ll drag you behind the football stadium and introduce you to ”Little Ben”.      

Miami officials intervened on Kimmy’s behalf, while at the same time attempting to preserve whatever dignity Roethlisberger may still have intact.   University trustees quickly introduced a 3-part motion requesting that  Mr. Roethlisberger:     

1)  Button your fly and pour out that beer bong      

2)  Put that new Oddbounces intern down– now!       

3)  There’s something slick, slimy and furry on your head–get it out of here!       

The motion passed without opposition, bringing Mr. Roethlisberg’s return to Miami short-lived–very short-lived. When asked to comment on the swift reaction by the Board, an angry Ben lashed out at, well, everyone.      

Sometimes you feel like a rat's nest mullet, sometimes you don't.

 ”This just proves what I’ve always felt about Miami U– this place is run by anti-mullet racists.”       

At last report, Ben was trying to reach NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence “Ain’t nothing statutory about anything I do” Taylor, reportedly to form an AAA chapter, the fledgling support group for Arrogant Accused Athletes.  

Nuff said.

By Houdino

In a stunning announcement made today by the Cincinnati Bengals, former NFL running back O.J. Simpson has been signed to a one-year contract.

Simpson is currently serving a 33-year sentence, for robbery and kidnapping, at the Lovelock Correctional Center, Nevada. However, a return to professional football is possible as he will only be 60 if paroled in 2017, his first year of eligibility.

Asked why he would sign a washed up running back who may not see the light of day until the year 2041, Coach Marvin Lewis said, “Well, duh! Because Mike wanted me to. How long have you been covering this team?”

Simpson's charisma convinced even Aryan Nation prison gang members to participate in a Black Panther rally.

Lewis continued, “Like all of our free-criminal signings, he’s at the league minimum. It’s low risk, high reward. If O.J. doesn’t toe the line, we simply cut him. Umm, that was probably a poor choice of words.

“Be honest with me now, don’t you think he looks good in stripes?”

From the guard tower, Owner Mike Brown himself secretly observed Simpson’s workouts in ‘the yard’ from 2-3 pm every day for a week. Although the once-speedy Simpson’s 40 time was sub-par (9.25 secs), he became convinced he had something special as he watched Simpson use his leadership skills to consolidate power with at least three prison gangs.

Purportedly, Brown believes Simpson has the unique leadership skills that are required in the future to run his locker room.

When asked why he didn’t just go ahead and sign Satan to a contract, Brown said, “It works the other way around. Why do you think we’re winning? Besides, it would be a conflict of interest. O.J. has secured Mr. Beelzebub as his representation.”

Houdino, Reporting Live

Local authorities have released this surveillance photo of Pacman Jones and his crew breaking into the Bengals Training Facility.

This just in. According to unsubstantiated reports, NFL Public Enemy No. 1, Adam “Pacman” Jones, has broken into the Cincinnati Bengals training camp facility, demanding – at gunpoint – a place on the team’s 53-man roster.

Sources inside the facility say that while even crime-capital-of-the-world Detroit won’t tolerate Pacman, Bengals Owner Mike Brown has quickly capitulated to all demands, including an unusual ultimatum that Brown build a Camp for Wayward Boys.

Apparently, this request was a huge bone of contention between the two men, with Brown arguing that he had already created such a camp and called it the Cincinnati Bengals. He then politely asked Pacman to leave. Pacman became enraged, screaming, “You take me fo’ a fool, muthaf#cka? You don’t know me, pig. No muthaf*cka tells me when I can split! Now move over and let me pass ‘fore you be pullin’ muthaf%ckin caps outa yo ass!”

Terrified kitten saved by rescuers. Feline owner cried, "My poor Hans. He's no good to me now! Who will pay for this?"

Although no bloodshed has been reported, crime in and around Ohio skyrocketed 50 percent immediately following reports of Pacman’s arrival two days ago.

And in the same way animals can sense a tsunami before it reaches shore, cute kittens and puppies in the thousands have been reported missing or found cowering under beds and porches, refusing to come out even to eat.Overwhelmed animal rescue personnel are not convinced this is a coincidence.

An official statement just arriving from the Bengals states, “The Cincinnati Bengals are proud to welcome Adam Jones to our team.

Pacman unselfishly demonstrates his never-say-die fighting spirit to local police officers.

A proven fighter in strip clubs around the country, we believe Adam has all of the qualities we continue to seek in our organization.”

More to come as events unfold. This is Houdino reporting live from Mike Brown’s Camp for Wayw…err, Bengals Training Camp. Back to you, Timzilla.

By Nuff Johnson

Even "The Man Of Steel" couldn't save Obama's health care plan.

In the wake of the political kryptonite exploding on Massachusettes’ election Tuesday, President Barrack Obama is doing an end-run faster than a speeding bullet.

Realizing his lofty health care reform plan is on life support, Obama has abruptly shifted focus towards another American icon: NFL football.

Apparently tinkering with banks, automobile manufacturers, the nation’s monetary policy and health care has left the President with idle time.

To fill it, Obama announced he is adding a new role to his resumé: NFL Point Czar.

“As an underprivileged youth growing up on the streets of Kenya, I was deprived of the opportunity to closely follow the NFL,” Obama said.

“But I have always been a passionate fan of the NFL … and I see a disturbing trend: teams with superior talent, drive and preparation frequently outscore those teams that are less talented, less intense and are less prepared. It’s another example of the privileged taking advantage of the underprivileged.”

"I woulda made a fine NFL Point Czar" is what an envious Jimmy the Greek woulda said.

Obama went on to say: “This kind of class division is not the America that I know or want.  And it’s not the kind of America most Americans know and want. So as your President it’s my duty to right this wrong, and I start by appointing myself NFL Point Czar.”

Although details are unclear, it seems Obama wants to bring parity where it matters most; the game scoreboard. At the two-minute warning of each half, the team with the lead must give a portion of its points to their less-successful opponent.

Other options being discussed include handicapping those on the playing field to make it more level, such as forcing Troy Palamalu to play barefoot, Brett Favre donning a patch over one eye, and Payton Manning forced to wear clown-like, over-sized shoulder pads.

Oddbounces reporters wondered aloud how Obama’s end game might affect the Cincinnati Bengals.  Perhaps Mike Brown will be required to read a job description of an NFL General Manager?  Maybe Shayne Graham will be given up to three “do-overs” on field goal attempts in ’10.

Nuff said.

One picture: one thousand words, minimum.

By Nuff Johnson

Bob Bratkowski, during 3rd & 3 against the Chargers last month

Just days before the biggest game at Paul Brown Stadium in four years, Oddbounces has learned that Bengals Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski has checked into the Betty Ford Sleep Disorder Clinic on the U.C. campus.

He is expected to be available for Saturday’s playoff game against the Jets, although like last week—and the week before that, and the week before that– he is not expected to be operating at 100 percent by game time.

Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer offered words of encouragement to his cohort on the other side of the ball.

“I’m thrilled Bob is finally seeking professional help … it’s been painful to watch the deterioration,” said Zimmer.

“In addition to his sleep walking, he’s showing signs of narcolepsy. It’s sad and embarrassing to hear the thud of his massive forehead hitting the tabletop during meetings. And the snoring and mumbling … and spittle. Sad.”

Oddbounces asked Marvin Lewis about Brat’s status: “Hopefully the medical staff will OK Brat to be upstairs Saturday,” Lewis said, “so he can make calls … that allow our guys to make plays … and stop their guys from making plays … converting on third down … so we can win a football game in January … and that’s a good thing.” (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

After watching the results of his season-long, gameday sleep-walking for the better part of four months now, Bengals fans can only offer a collective “Godspeed” to Coach Bratkowski.

Brat's worst nightmare on 1st & 10: The forward pass.

Oddbounces has learned the ailing Bengals OC also suffers from a season-long bout of “spiralaerophobia” … or fear of the forward pass.

‘nuff said.

“That Boomer guy flaunting all those fingers, ten I think, has really opened up a can of it,” Says Lobster Boy.

By Timzilla

Ochocinco follower Lobster Boy

Former Bengals QB and longtime NFL analysts Boomer Esiason raised the ire of sideshow freaks everywhere Sunday when he said, “This guy (Ochocinco) is no longer a Pro Bowl player. He’s an absolute sideshow. He’s an embarrassment to the franchise. It’s a shame, because they’re (Bengals) having a great season … but in this particular situation, just an absolute reminder of what a sideshow Chad Ochocinco has become.”

An irate Lobster Boy, clanking his mutant Lobstery hands in a wild, almost Rap-like music beat said, “Ochocinco is one of us, our leader! When you mess with a sideshow freak, you better friggin’ have the dance in your pants to back it up. Hey, you got the dance in your pants, Mr. Fancy Fingers?”

Lobster Boy apparently isn’t alone. The Two-Headed Nightingales, Ochocinco’s most loyal Twitter followers, say they’ll begin immediate boycott efforts aimed at all Cincinnati Bengals, CBS and NFL sponsors and advertisers.

“Ocho promised us change, and he delivered, dammit!” said the Leftside Nightingale. “Not like that other guy,” quickly added the Rightside Nightingale.

“Ocho made sideshow freakin’ acceptable,” said both Nightingales in sync, clanking their hands in a mock Lobstery hands kind of way.

Ochocinco followers The Two-Headed Nightingales

The highly image-conscious NFL appears to be scrambling to develop a position on the issue. In the meantime Commissioner Goodell said, “We believe every team should go 8-8 … and kids should play 60 minutes a day.” It’s believed sideshow freaks make up 0.0000000000000001  percent of the NFL’s total audience.

Half Boy seemed to best sum up the controversy. “We made him King of Freak Nation, because he’s us, and we’re him … and we’re one. We are Freak Nation! … we are Ochocinco!!

Ochocinco’s only comments so far: “This controversy only goes to symbolize why we cling to our guns and religion … accept for you Lobster Boy, you can’t really cling to anything with those two mutant lobstery hand things.”

Ochocinco has also declared to call his next end zone celebration the “Clanky Lobstery Hands Dance” in honor of Lobster Boy’s loyalty.

Ochocinco follower Elephant Man