Carson Palmer, indicating the number of NFL teams from which he is retired

The Tuesday of bye week for most NFL teams is as quiet a day as you’ll find during the 17-week season. But as you’ve known for way too long, your Cincinnati Bengals are not most NFL teams. Not even close.

Which brings us to the drama that is on the radar from now until midnight: Will Mike “Even if I Paint Myself into a Corner, Know that I Got a Great Deal on the Paint” Brown go against his stubborn resolve and trade Carson “There’s No Chad in T-E-A-M… Please Stop Talking, T.O….  Are You Sure About That Call, Coach… No Mas!” Palmer?

You know the background all too well: Former #1 pick of the 2002 draft and the unflappable face of the franchise abruptly demands to be traded at the end of the miserable 2010 season. Stubborn owner references signed contract through the 2014 season that begs to differ about who has the most leverage. And the standoff is frozen there until further notice.

Suffice to say that if anything is going to happen between now and NFL Draft day ’12, it will be today, the final day of the trading deadline. Several teams could use an experienced QB like Palmer, including the Oakland Raiders, who lost their starting QB, Jason Campbell on Sunday. 

Last night’s Miami Dolphins offense showed even a rusty Palmer would be no worse than what they’ve seen so far from those QB’s currently occupying roster spots in Miami. And there are others who would certainly want to talk to the Bengals about Carson’s service.

However, nothing happens until Brown says it does. This is a position that Brown occupies in nearly all of his negotiations, including players, coaches, counties and even the IRS. And he rarely loses. 

There’s a lot on uncertainty, but one thing remains certain: If Brown negotiates a trade for Palmer today, Carson’s new team will have given more to the Bengals than Brown thinks his QB will be worth between now and the end of the 2014 season. You can bank on it.

Nuff said.

Oddbounces training staff forced to tape up Terrell Owens, too.

In times like this, I tend to look for a man far, far smarter than me – so smart in fact, many claim he’s The Man With Two Brains.

“ANOINT MY HEAD, ANOINTY, ‘NOINTY … OH, POINTY BIRDS, OH, POINTY, POINTY.

Well, guess what Bengals O-line – of the team’s offensive woes, wide receiver Terrell Owens is a POINTY POINTING right at you.

Today Owen said:

“I’ve been open on a number of routes, and for whatever reason, there’s always been some kind of breakdown with protection, or Carson [Palmer] has to come out of the pocket, or he’s rushed. It’s one of those things where it’s frustrating for myself, but I’ve got to keep plugging away. I’m not going to gripe.”

While everyone on this underachieving offense shoulders blame, I of course agree with Owens, contending Palmer is one of those QBs that just needs protection. Give it to him, ya got yourself a perennial all-pro – don’t, and ya got yourself an average QB, which is how he’s looking now.

If you think about the great QBs through history, they all had between very good and great O-lines. Johnny Unitas in the 50s and 60s. Terry Bradshaw in the 70s. Joe Montana in the 80s. And of course Troy Aikman in the 90s with the greatest O-lines of all time - LT Mark Tuinei (4 Pro-Bowls), LG Nate Newton (6 Pro-Bowls), C Mark Stepnoski (5 Pro-Bowls), RG Larry Allen (11 Pro-Bowls) and RT Erik Williams (4 Pro-Bowls).

Hard, cold fact – few Bengals O-lineman could start on any other NFL team. Most couldn’t even make another team. If this team is going to get better, the whole offense has to get better – and it all starts up front.

Preseason Fever: Catch it!

Preseason Bengals games typically have all the relevance of “last call” in a dry county or “I’ll start my diet when I get to Georgetown” to a fat lazy #1 ’09 Bengals draft pick.  Typically they don’t  mean squat. 

But with all the changes in the Bengals passing game this year, these preseason games might be meaningful.   Maybe.   Kinda sorta. 

Or at least there is a greater probability that when Carson drops back to pass this preseason, there is a lot to be learned about the guys in stripes on the field with him– particularly the new faces in the receiving corps.  Even though they’re getting their timing and their reps in Georgetown, whoever is on the other end of #9′s passes is advised to make an impression during the exhibition games–all 5 of them.

As improbable as it seems, the Bengals open the 2010 NFL exhibition season against the annoyingly smug Dallas Cowboys Sunday night.  While it might be too early to villify the hated Cowboys, let’s not forget that the nation will be watching this game closely.  Maybe.  Kinda sorta.

In case you need a non-football reason to tune in Sunday....

Why?  There will be a lot of people who will tune in specifically to see the Chad & T.O. dual, becasue they just can’t get enough narcicism from their respective reality TV shows.  Some people will be watching because it’s Sunday night and they have to get up early and face their boss the next morning.  And nothing delays that reality better than beer, NFL football and unknown draftees– even in early August. Maybe.  Kinda sorta.

Of course, the drama doesn’t stop with the Bengals passing game.  As Hard Knocks showed us last year, there is a lot more going on in August than just making the plays in practice and performing during the preseason games.  It often comes down to numbers by position. 

For example,  look at the Bengals wide receivers.  With the addition of TO the Bengals have 10 wideouts on the roster; they will likely keep 6.  Which of the four will get axed? Will we still have our favorite Oddbounces whipping boy, Jerome “I Don’t Live In Springfield” Simpson around for another season while he “gets comfortable with the speed of the game and learns the offense.”  Child Please!

Will Jerome Simpson even get the chance to pad his career stats in 2010?

Buh-bye Jerome.  Nighty night, gimpy Matt Jones.  We’ll know how healthy Antonio Bryant is sooner than later, and we’ll likely lose a couple of Bengals from the ”All Name Team, like Maurice Purify, Dezmon Briscoe and Quan Cosby.   

And don’t think that Mike Brown’s squeaky wallet is not a factor too.  Hypothetically speaking, they would not cut a fat, lazy and unprepared first-round pick that they’ve already sunk 7-figures into in signing bonus and salary until they were certain that he’s a turd in their punch bowl.

So even though there are five Bengals preseason games this year (pinch me!), there’s enough drama to fit into an entire season.  Catch it all here at Oddbounces.com!

Cincinnati Bengals fans are frustrated at team's deteriorated passing game (full disclosure: Oddbounces actor portraying angry fan).

The Cincinnati Bengals passing game. Dude, where’d ya go?

Once considered the franchise anchor with bad-ass arms like Greg Cook, Ken Anderson and Boomer Esiason, today it’s simply an anchor sinking hopes of a legit Super Bowl run.

Or is it?

We think there’s still good in this passing game, dammit. All we have to do is throw it … and frakkin catch it. That’s why Oddbounces recently commandeered the Bengals marketing department, preventing yet another totally lame 2010 advertising campaign tagline, such as:  

2010: It’s Our Year … or 2010: The Future Is Now … or 2010: It’s Our Time … or 2010: Now, It’s Our Future … or 2010: It’s Our Future, Now. Or …. okay, you get the picture.

(BTW, it’s not just the Bengals who mega suck at tagline development … pretty much all professional sports teams do. Sometimes it’s because they’re, well, just lame … but mostly it’s because a really great tagline usually offends at least one person somewhere in the world. So most teams end up with totally safe, politically correct and forgettable campaigns.)

"Of course I don't have any balls," said naked bike-rider Mary Morality of West Chester, "but if I did they'd be flying through the air right now. Like a baseball or football."

So, starting Monday on billboards, bus stops and every urinal cakes in 8 surrounding counties you’ll see, hear and feel the Bengals’ brand-spanking new 2010 tagline:

THIS SEASON. LESS RUNNING.

AND MORE BALLS IN THE AIR.

Yeah, yeah, I know, there are “those” people who totally misunderstand us at Oddbounces … and will say we’re using “balls in the air” as an immature, juvenile, poddy-mouthed way of referring to actual testicles in the air. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We’re so misunderstood.

Average Steelers fan. Long on Super Bowl rings. Short on intellect and employment.

When I was a lil ‘Zilla growing up in war-torn Afghanistan, the San Francisco Forty-Niners were the league punching bag.

So much so, it left on me an indelible image of that franchise – even during the team’s dynasty years of the ’90s, to me its brand represented “sucks, and sucks bad.”

Even today, to me the SF punching bag image lives on. So, why bring up this now, you ask? Because it’s all about brand image – how other teams view us.

Sure, okay, I’m strongly opposed to government-rationed breast implants, but am a huge proponent of social media. As such, I try to scan all NFL and Bengals sites, and am a fan of Cincy Jungle, and think Josh does a great job with the site, which probably generates the most traffic from other AFC North fans.  Have you ever read Bengals-related comments from Pittsburgh and Baltimore fans? Simply, scary. But why do they say what they say? All those stupid comments?

Mostly, because of our brand image. 

For a city that really has nothing to offer mankind outside the Steelers, I’m always amazed at the football ignorance of their fans. I’m not just talking about the incredibly stupid, derogatory Bengal-directed comments; I’m talking basic football 101 stuff. I mean, with all the good teams they’ve had over the past 30 years, you’d think some degree of football smarts might rubbed off, right? But nope.

And Baltimore fans? They actually, for whatever reason, seem a tad-bit smarter than Pittsburgh fans, at least in a football sense. But Baltimore fans remind me of a sad, twangy country-western song about dogs dying, and wives leaving. Well, maybe that’s because their first wife, the Colts, left them in the middle of a snowy night in ’84. Rumor is, the Colts actually chewed off their right arm to escape the dismal existence of living in Baltimore, Maryland. Hey, you didn’t hear that from me.

Raby, The Baltimore Ratbird.

But none of that explains all those idiotic, remedial Bengals-related comments, you say. So why do they say it? Yup, cuz of Mike Brown and our bad brand image.

Just like, in my mind, I can’t get past all those bad 49′er teams of years ago, Pittsburgh and Baltimore fans just can’t see past the ’90s Bengals. To them, Cincinnati will always be the Bungles, despite since ’03 (2008 nothwithstanding) the Bengals have either won the AFCN, or was a last-season contender.

So, we as Bengals fans must show patience when reading ignorant blog posts from Pittsburgh and Baltimore fans. Remember, Steelers fans are, well, from Pittsburgh. And Baltimore fans got dumped by their first wife, before hooking up in a sleazy online chat room with their current mangy Ratbird of a team .

Please don’t blame them. Blame Mike Brown.

By Nuff Johnson 

In case you missed it, Marvin Lewis held a pre-draft press conference today.  Or as some call it, a de-press-ion conference. Assuming your life contains even a small amount of purpose, I truly hope you missed it. If so, I’ll fill you in on what you missed.     

"That's brilliant, Jerry! An entire show... about nothing!"

Nothing.  Nothing! NOTHING! Not a !&#%$! thing.   

I thought I was experiencing an out of context “Seinfeld” promotion, referencing a show about nothing. In Marvin’s defense, I didn’t expect him to blurt out the entire Bengals draft plan, or what positions the team hopes to secure. Or what a poor use of oxygen it wasted to utter the words, “With the 46th pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals draft Jerome Simpson.”   

Regardless, some of my favorite quotes from today’s 13 minutes of sustained nothingness:    

"The very thought of having to answer your question makes me nauseous."

“We’ll come away with players that will have an impact on one side of the ball or the other.”     

“We hope there are some areas we can address early in the draft.”     

“Let’s not overdraft anybody, and let’s not reach for a player based on a particular need.”    

Other than that, it was mostly what you’d expect – a 13-minute demonstration of how disinterested Marvin is in interacting with the Cincinnati media. Not even three months removed from his last loss, Marvin still has the look from behind the microphones that teeters between anger, indifference and indignation.     

Remember back in days of old, when the Bengals front office had more brains than nepotism? Paul Brown was fond of saying the Bengals will draft, “the best player available.”  They cared less about a player’s position, and more about their ability to play football. Maybe that was because PB had a special knack for evaluating a kid’s’ college career, and for recognizing his potential.  (Apparently that apple was caught by a herculean tail wind, ‘cuz it fell far, far from the tree. )    

But I digress. In summary, you didn’t miss a thing in today’s press conference.  And that’s just the way Marvin likes it.     

‘Nuff said.

Commissioner Roger Goodell moments after awarding Marvin Lewis with the NFL Coach of the Year award.

By Nuff Johnson 

You could still see specs of yellow  on the face of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as he stepped to the podium. 

It was Goodell’s second trip to the podium, the first of which was to announce that Marvin Lewis had received the “NFL Coach of the Year” award. 

The second announcement was a bit more difficult although less controversial:  Goodell had to announce that the award had been given to Lewis in error. 

Lewis was supposed to instead receive a Coaches Participation Ribbon, one of just 31 recipients of the award. 

The Coach of the Year award was intended for Saints head coach Sean Payton, who was unable to receive the award due to a scheduling conflict  Saturday at the Superdome. 

Lewis was good-natured about having the award rescinded, and joked with Goodell at the podium. 

“I didn’t expect to win it this year, considering some of the boneheaded things I did.” Lewis said. “Maybe Comeback Coach of the Year, or Best Coaching Record for a Team that Peaked in Mid-November, or Coach Most Unlikely to Win a Postseason Game … but certainly not Coach of the Year.” 

Said a disappointed Marvin, "I coulda been a contender...."

RB Cedric Benson Wants Mo’ Money, Mo’ Money, Mo’ Money – “We put it in (the Bengals) ear that we would like to kind of go back to the table and talk some extension things,” Benson said recently during a radio interview.  Oddbounces says, “Give ‘da man ‘da money!”

CB Johnathan Joseph and CB Leon Hall Named Team MVPs – The award comes from the Cincy Chapter of the Pro Football Writers of America (basically all the writers who cover the Bengals). We say the award goes to Mike Zimmer, hands down.

QB Carson Palmer a Good Guy – Carson Palmer gets the “Good Guy” Award for excellent relations with local media. Of all Bengals (players and coaches), Oddbounces says Palmer by far gives the best interview. Marvin, on the other hand, is like watching C-SPAN … … minus of course all those exciting, transparent health care debates.

Ocho Cinco De Mayo Named To Pro Bowl – Bengals chronically selfish WR Ocho Cinco De Mayo was named Friday to the AFC Pro Bowl; to replace injured Patriots WR Wes Welker.

UC Product CB Mike Mickens Signed – The former UC CB was on the Cincinnati practice squad last year, but failed to play in a regular season game.

Chronically Selfish WR Ocho Cinco De Mayo – The stupidly named WR is reportedly racing RB Chris Johnson for their Pro Bowl paycheck; the loser’s money to be given to Haiti victims. Can we give Ocho to Haiti, too?

Bengals on 60 Minutes – Bengals players from American Samoa will be featured on the long-running CBS news series this Sunday, Jan. 17.