Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis enjoys speaking to the press as much as fans enjoy listening to him. Well, almost.

“Hi Nuff. Welcome to Marvin Ignorers Anonymous. You’re not alone, as Bengals fans looking for insight, explanation or information know they’ll get none of that listening to Lewis’ press conferences.”

It’s true.  While words, cliches and “Marvin-isms” flow from Marvin’s mouth as freely as empty promises flow from Washington DC, Marvin Lewis rarely says anything to the media that’s worth hearing. If you’ve heard one of his bristling/indignant/poker-faced interviews, you’ve heard them all.

So Oddbounces staffers set out to help Bengal fans better understand Marvin when he speaks.  With a little help from Timzilla’s pet Norwegian blue parrot “PeeBee” and fancy-schmancy algorhythms from newest Oddbouncer Ben “Statistically Significant” Richards, we’re proud to introduce the sweet fruits of our labor: The Oddbounces “Say It, Don’t Cliche It, Marvin” Decoder Ring.  While it might not be as impactful as the code-breakers that helped the good guys win WWII, “Say It, Don’t Cliche It, Marvin” is guaranteed to help get Bengals fans through those grueling Marvin Lewis press conferences.  

With this useful tool, you’ll know what Marvin really means when he talks to the local media.  For example, some of the “Marvinism” translations:

“You can’t have turnovers and expect to win a football game”– You imbecile– do you think we tell our guys to fumble– do you think Carson tried to throw that pass directly to a defender in the end zone?

When Marvin speaks, the Oddbounces "Say It Don't Cliche It, Marvin" decoder spins into action“

“Be a fundamentally sound football team”– While I despise taking your questions, I will do my best to suppress the urge to strangle you if you dare attempt a follow-up question.

“We’ll be back here tomorrow to regroup– we need to  keep our guys moving forward and get back to work “–Thank God we still have Mike Zimmer.  If we had to rely on our offense to win games we’d be in even worse shape.

“We gotta keep making plays”– Unlike you and your media peers, my digestive evacuations are void of any accompanying unpleasant odor . 

 “Penalties like that are not acceptable at this level, and the guys know that.”– I wonder if there is a chance for me to get the head coaching job in Washington?  Or Baltimore?  Maybe Pittsburgh?  Hell, I’d even consider Cleveland or Buffalo if it gets me away from this organization.  

 “We need to be able to run the football and we need to be able to pass the ball”– Slap my ass and call me Katie, YOU try winning two years in a row with the absurd boundaries under which employees of this nepotistic organization must operate….  

“Our guys need to do better, our coaches need to do better and I need to do better”–Mmm, I’d really enjoy a roast beef on rye, extra mayo with a dill spear and a hand full of Bugels– to go, of course.  

“Ced carried the ball 35 times yesterday, but he’s a strong guy and he seemed to get stronger as the game went on”–Even though it’s been 6 weeks, sooner or later they are going to know that I traded Coach

Soon-to-be new home of Andre Smith?

Realizing his gravy train NFL ”career” might be as short-lived as Lindsey Lohan’s imprisonment and about as substantive as yesterday’s all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, Andre “Big Tub of Goo” Smith has taken a cue from a couple of his Bengals teammates regarding his life after football: Reality TV.

In an Oddbounces exclusive, super-skinny Oddbounces summer intern Whit Slimman broke the story from deep within the plumbing of the Georgetown training table. In a conversation between Smith and an unidentified programming staffer from the Food Network, Whit overheard discussions about a food-focused reality program starring the XXXXXL Smith and his gelatinous midsection.

Already preparing for his career after football, Andre Smith demonstrated his life's calling: Competitive Hamburglaring

  The working title of  Smith’s reality show is “Sloth Or Consequences?” 

Regarding development of a pilot episode, Witt reported that some of the programming under consideration includes  Competetive Hamburglaring contests,  educational features like a drive-through digestion laboratory, audience participation segments such as “America’s Fattest Home Videos” and games such as, “Wake Up His Lazy Ass?”, “Andre Dealt It, Who Smelt It?” and “Stretch Mark, Scar or Baby Fat?”

When asked to verify this development, disstressed Food Network spokeswoman Julii would not discuss this issue with Oddbounces. 

“You just don’t understand…I have a lemon cake in the oven that isn’t rising, Bearnaise sauce that’s separating and my peach custard flambe is just about finished but my rum bottle is empty again, dammit,” an emotional Julii blurted out, in between uncontrollable sobs.   After gaining her composure, she later added that they have found eager corporate sponsors, including Hungry Man frozen dinners, Michelin Tires and Stay-Puff marshmallows.

The obvious downside to this development is that Andre will now be competing with fellow Bengals Chad Stupid Name and Terrell “I’m the O in Ego” Owens for top reality show on the team.  Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis dismissed the notion that this could hurt team chemistry and locker room camaraderie.

“Nah, I don’t see a problem,” said a disgusted Marvin Lewis, choking back the bile in his throat.  “You don’t think I’m going to let a few reality shows, two enormous egos and one ridiculous stomach stop us from moving ahead, do ya?  If these guys don’t want to focus on football first then Mr. Brown and the deeply nepotistic Bengals organization will press the panic button and they’ll  have newer unproven players to replace them next April.”

Andre Smith: Love him. Just be patient. Pass the gravy.

Nuff said.

By Nuff Johnson

With Shayne Graham unceremoniously abandoned by the Bengals after his two missed FG’s versus the Jets in the playoff loss, the Baltimore Ravens are reported to be on the verge to sign him. That could set up a very interesting scenario. Even though I have been forbidden to use paint in the Oddbounces world headquarters building after that finger-painting incident involving Miss Scarlet, a candlestick in the green room, let me “paint” this picture:

With two kickers already on the roster, could the Bengals be on the lookout for another big-legged kicker ?

The scene:

Sunday, January 2, 2011 (Week #17 of the 2010 NFL season)

The Cincinnati Bengals (10-5) at the Baltimore Ravens (10-5)

Ravens Field, Baltimore, MD, late in the 4th quarter

The play-by-play, by Timzilla’s favorite guest announcer Rich Eisen:

“In this winner-take-all finale of the 2010 regular season, the Baltimore Ravens are a 43 yard field goal away from taking the AFC North crown from the defending champion Cincinnati Bengals.  After stalling on a 3rd down at the Bengals 26, the Ravens are relying on the right leg of Shayne Graham to win or lose the game and the  title.”

“Recall that Graham was released in the offseason after a mostly accurate 7-year career with the Bengals.  I say “mostly accurate” because, in spite of being the 4th most accurate kicker in NFL history at the end of last season, the Bengals chose not to re-sign their kicker, nicknamed “Golden Graham”.

“The main reason: Shayne had a history of missing important kicks in important games.  In their 10-point first round Playoff loss to the Jets last season, Graham missed not one but TWO makeable field goals.  So  considering his “Franchise” tag by the team last season, his penchant for missing big kicks and because, well,  we are talking about Mike Brown and the squeaky-walleted Bengals organization, they chose to let Shayne go elsewhere this year.”

“So here we are, 33 seconds left on the clock,  the Ravens kicking team is on the field and the AFC North title is on the line.  Graham is set to attempt the biggest kick of the season against his former teammates… the ball is snapped, the hold is down the kick is away and….”

When it come to "Golden Graham Gams", Shayne's can't hold a candle to Heather's-- at any distance.

We can only hope that, if this scenario unfolds in real life come January, that, like a leopard never changing his spots, a choke artist kicker never does either.

Nuff said.

By Nuff Johnson 

I was just informed by a close friend about a highly unusual distinction earned by our 2010 Cincinnati Bengals. My friend, whose identity must remain anonymous to protect his celebrity status (I’ll call him “Jack”), sent me a listing of “The 50 Craziest Athletes Of All Time”.     

While the biggest concentration of players on this illustrious list are from MLB and the NFL, this list covers the gamut of sports, including the NBA, boxing, hockey, ice skating, tennis, golf coaching and more.       

A topic Gary Buse should know a lot about....

Considering the “outskirts” reputation that people think of regarding Cincinnati, this top 50 crazy list has quite a local presence. Hit king legend and baseball sound bite machine Peter Edward Rose came in at #13.  And to make it interesting and relevent to Bengal fans, the men in orange and black are also represented. Very well represented.  Some may say too well represented.  

Would you believe three current Bengals are on the list?  It’s true.   

No surprise Adam “Pacman” Jones is on the list, right?  He came in at #24, earning him middle of the crazy pack status.  (personally, I thought he had earned a higher position on the list.)  Pacman is closely followed by #22, everyone’s favorite jabber-jaws, Chad “Dum Dum” Ocho Cinco (nee  Johnson), or as he is known officially in Timzilla’s Oddbounces kingdom, “Chad Stupid Name”. I mean, come on, when you change your last name as an adult, chances are you’re already half way to crazy.    

Crazy Chad, Snuggie-Style

Easier to overlook because he has mostly kept clear of non-football headlines as a Bengal is Tank Johnson, barely making the cut at #48.  (What’s the deal with professional athletes, guns and stupidity?  Don’t ask Plaxico Burress, ‘cuz he’s at #10– with a bullet). 

As our Bengals prepare for the 2010 season, it’s conceivable they leave Georgetown with a roster that includes three of the top 50 craziest athletes of all time.  That’s beyond impressive.      

Consider all the millions of professional athletes, past and present, who could have been part of this list. Now do the math: a whopping 6% of the All-Time Crazies currently reside under the big top of craziness that is the Cincinnati Bengals.  

Nuff said.    

(The highest rated football player is none other than Lawrence Taylor, while the #1 overall is Mike Tyson.  Check out Stephan Kasper’s entire Top 50 list at http://bleacherreport.com/articles/391385-from-rodman-to-tyson-the-50-craziest-athletes-of-all-time#page/50)

By Nuff Johnson  

At first glance it looked as if Ben Roethlisberger was attempting to clean up his tattered image by reaching out to his alma mater, Miami University.  In an Oddbounces exclusive, rookie intern Kim Kimmy discovered that Roethlisberger informed Miami University Board of Trustees that, with nothing but time on his hands, he would like to service the university and reach out to the student body.      

Pig Ben's trusty sidekick?

  (Unless you sleep under a bridge and get your news from the  newspaper that doubles as your blanket, you know that the Steelers’ QB has been suspended by the NFL for 6 games.  Manhandling diminutive co-eds and evading legal prosecution are not supposed to be things that you associate with Super Bowl MVP’s.  But this is not your father’s NFL, and this is the behavior that has become standard operating procedure for the arrogant Roethlisberger.   

His recent misbehavior earned him the deserved nickname “Pig Ben” from Houdino, Oddbounces writer freshly arisen from hibernation.)      

While addressing the Board,  Ben appeared to be unprepared for the onslaught of questions that came out of his announcement.  When asked about his plan to right his wrongs, his message to students and the lessons he would use as the basis of his program,  he was clearly unprepared.  Ben called an audible and pleaded with MU officials for a ”time out” during  the onslaught of questions.      

Later, during a moment of  pure Ben-ness”, Roethlisberger opened up to the fresh-faced Kim Kimmy about what he hoped would happen.   According to a shaken Kimmy, it went something like this:      

Pig Ben's mantra: Liquor after liquor gets them there quicker

 “Heh, how you doing?  What grade are you in? You do know who I am, right?”  said an un-smooth Roethlisberger.    

Thinking he was well on his way to paydirt, he followed up with, “I got a cooler of PBR and some Jaegger in my truck, and maybe a roofie or two.  Then I’ll drag you behind the football stadium and introduce you to ”Little Ben”.      

Miami officials intervened on Kimmy’s behalf, while at the same time attempting to preserve whatever dignity Roethlisberger may still have intact.   University trustees quickly introduced a 3-part motion requesting that  Mr. Roethlisberger:     

1)  Button your fly and pour out that beer bong      

2)  Put that new Oddbounces intern down– now!       

3)  There’s something slick, slimy and furry on your head–get it out of here!       

The motion passed without opposition, bringing Mr. Roethlisberg’s return to Miami short-lived–very short-lived. When asked to comment on the swift reaction by the Board, an angry Ben lashed out at, well, everyone.      

Sometimes you feel like a rat's nest mullet, sometimes you don't.

 ”This just proves what I’ve always felt about Miami U– this place is run by anti-mullet racists.”       

At last report, Ben was trying to reach NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence “Ain’t nothing statutory about anything I do” Taylor, reportedly to form an AAA chapter, the fledgling support group for Arrogant Accused Athletes.  

Nuff said.

Average Bengals Fan Long Fingers Johnson.

 By Timzilla 

At Oddbounces, we’re nothing if not dedicated to truth. Yup, dedicated to truth and all Milla Jovovich movies (Resident Evil, The Fourth Kind, Ultraviolet, etc.).

And women-only nude beaches. We’re dedicated to those, too. 

So with the Cincinnati Bengals’ pending acquisition of star-crossed Adam “Pacman” Jones, we anxiously sent Oddbounces free college intern Jimmy Jyms to the streets of Cincinnati to interview average fans. Fans just like you, me … us. 

And while our corrupt mainstream media is reporting only outrage at Pacman’s signing, it appears average fans (fans just like you and me, us) apparently feel differently about the team’s new CB. 

“It’s awesome,” said Long Fingers Johnson. “With all this political correctness rampantly running through out our oppressive society, we need a man like Pacman on this team. His impact on our community will be felt from Indian Hill to Gobblers Knob in Hamilton. He cares about our youth, man, even those often-difficult 15 year old girls.” 

Average Bengals fan Poke Thurman.

Those sentiments were seemingly echoed by Downtown Ernie Pitzer, owner of That Real Hairy Place, a recently renovated exotic dance club in Covington now offering air-conditioned private dances and free Handywipes. 

“S’it, man … I been me one of dose Bengals fans fo mo’ years dan Pam Anderson’s titties been gettin’ sunshine. Hell, I was dare when dat Wyche dude done said dat Cleveland thang. S’it, I welcome the Pacman.” Soon after the interview, Pitzer shot free college intern Jimmy Jyms in the abdomen and shoulder. Jyms is in critical condition. 

“It’s all about da mofugun oconomy, Holmes,” said Over The Rhine’s Poke Thurman to Oddbounces replacement intern Sharon Shunkleroy. “This mofugun oconomy needs some mofugun stimuli, and da Pacman man can pump in some mofugun money into the mofugan oconomy, man.” 

Average Bengals fan and murder suspect Downtown Ernie Pitzer.

When asked exactly how Jones can help the local economy, Thurman replied, “Ya gotta be mofugun me, you stupid mofuger intern.” 

Postscript: It was learned Bengals owner Mike Brown recently invested in That Real Hairy Place, a recently renovated exotic dance club in Covington now offering air-conditioned private dances and free Handywipes. 

Update: Oddbounces free college intern Jimmy Jyms is dead at the age of 42.

Houdino, Reporting Live

Local authorities have released this surveillance photo of Pacman Jones and his crew breaking into the Bengals Training Facility.

This just in. According to unsubstantiated reports, NFL Public Enemy No. 1, Adam “Pacman” Jones, has broken into the Cincinnati Bengals training camp facility, demanding – at gunpoint – a place on the team’s 53-man roster.

Sources inside the facility say that while even crime-capital-of-the-world Detroit won’t tolerate Pacman, Bengals Owner Mike Brown has quickly capitulated to all demands, including an unusual ultimatum that Brown build a Camp for Wayward Boys.

Apparently, this request was a huge bone of contention between the two men, with Brown arguing that he had already created such a camp and called it the Cincinnati Bengals. He then politely asked Pacman to leave. Pacman became enraged, screaming, “You take me fo’ a fool, muthaf#cka? You don’t know me, pig. No muthaf*cka tells me when I can split! Now move over and let me pass ‘fore you be pullin’ muthaf%ckin caps outa yo ass!”

Terrified kitten saved by rescuers. Feline owner cried, "My poor Hans. He's no good to me now! Who will pay for this?"

Although no bloodshed has been reported, crime in and around Ohio skyrocketed 50 percent immediately following reports of Pacman’s arrival two days ago.

And in the same way animals can sense a tsunami before it reaches shore, cute kittens and puppies in the thousands have been reported missing or found cowering under beds and porches, refusing to come out even to eat.Overwhelmed animal rescue personnel are not convinced this is a coincidence.

An official statement just arriving from the Bengals states, “The Cincinnati Bengals are proud to welcome Adam Jones to our team.

Pacman unselfishly demonstrates his never-say-die fighting spirit to local police officers.

A proven fighter in strip clubs around the country, we believe Adam has all of the qualities we continue to seek in our organization.”

More to come as events unfold. This is Houdino reporting live from Mike Brown’s Camp for Wayw…err, Bengals Training Camp. Back to you, Timzilla.

Steelers fan Juanisha Swann shown taking part in Oddbounces parallel research study.

By Timzilla

Some recent not-a waste-of-time-at-all research conducted by the Wall Street Journal found the actual time of play during an NFL game to be just under 11 minutes (the time between the ball being snapped, and the play being whistled dead).

And the average telecast devotes 56 percent to showing replays … commercials take up about an hour … and 75 minutes is spent “showing players huddling, standing at the line of scrimmage or just generally milling about between snaps.”

But at Oddbounces, we’re all about you, the customer. Unlike the Wall Street Journal, we wanted to know what all that means to you, our loyal readers.

So we sent teams of free college interns to Pittsburgh to track the actions of 1,800 Steelers fans, to gauge scientifically what happens during the non-playing time of NFL games.

Led by Oddbounces focus group researcher Barth O. Tinningway, the findings were shocking. More than 75 percent of Steelers fans sit less than ten inches from the television screen, watching games in the nude.

“Have you ever seen a typical Pittsburgh female nude, from the side, drinking Iron City beer, with a gigantic KFC bucket between her legs, gnawing on three stripped chicken bones?” asked a visibly shaken Tinningway.

“It ain’t pretty, Holmes.”

Steelers fan Joe "Spermy" Flataway and close friend seen taking bathroom break before Pittsburgh's late-game comeback against Packers.

To the dismay of many advertisers, nearly 42 percent of Steelers fans go completely, totally comatose between plays—basically a total body shut down.

“It’s like in Star Wars,” said Oddbounces free intern Jimmy Jyms. “You know, when C3PO shuts down. I mean, their hearts and blood were still pumping, and they were breathing, I think  … but they just stared straight head … dead ahead. Only the words ‘hut hut’ seem to snap them out of it.”

Nearly 56 percent of female Steelers fans squeezed puss from various sores, boils and open wounds, while 38 percent conducted dog fights between plays and at halftime.

But maybe the most shocking finding was the number of Steelers fans urinating outside, even though rest room facilities were close by—often right there in the house.

“Pittsburgh is the most dreaded visiting team in the NFL,” said Fernwood Fife, head of security for the NFL. “Not because of the team—because of the fans. They pee everywhere on road trips … at the stadium, in their seats, in parking lots, right in front of children and old people. To hear they do the same at their own house between plays … well, it just seems strange.”

Former Pittsburgh-area high school homecoming queen Darlene Rashes shown "shutting down" during non-plays of televised Steelers games. Rashes' vital signs often spiked during Yaz commercials.

Last-minute statistical update: Nearly 82.5 percent of Pittsburgh females watch games nude, drinking Iron City beer, with a gigantic KFC bucket between her legs, gnawing on three stripped chicken bones.