Hey, bell-bottoms were “in” in ’09, right?
Okay, why else did Cincinnati Bengals fans yesterday feel trapped inside that disaster called the ’09 season finale versus the New York Jets? For 30:12 it was Pants on the Ground 2009 all over again. For 30:12 it was the Jets game all over again.
So there I was bubbling in my Hot Tub Time Machine as Sanchez The Eyelinered Maybelline Model QB, ooops, I mean Tom The Pre-Menstral Catwalk Model QB and his Little Buddy Wes were dissecting the Bengals vaunted defense for national debit-sized yardage in route to a 38-24 woodshed paddling of the visiting Bengals.
I mean, before most of us could even pop the frakkin popcorn, the Bengals were down 24-0. And not just your average 24-0 … this was an ABSOLUTELY NOTHING-is-working 24-D’oh.
Suffice it to say – as the Bengals can be at times under head coach Marvin Lewis – this team in the first 30:12 was not ready to play professional football. The coaches in the first 30:12 were not ready to coach professional football. I say the Bengals lost so soundly for one key reason – give Bill Belichick seven months to game plan against Marvin Lewis and the result is what we saw the first 30:12. Sprinkle in a little ‘first-game nerves’ with some ‘playing on the road’ – and poof, the result: a 31-3 game that ends 38-24.
So, Hot Tub Time Machine, please “fast us forward” to the game’s final 29:48 … a much better smelling place. The one bright spot is fairly obvious – the potentially resurrected Bengals passing game. Outside two bad throws, QB Carson Palmer (34-50/345/2/1) showed his ’05 form … Batman and Robin showed signs that experiment can work (Nachocinco had is biggest day in years; 12/159/1) … and rookies Ship’ and Gresh’ showed they can play in the NFL.
Bottom line – despite the 31-3-ishness of this game, there’s actually quite a bit for which we can be encouraged … 1) I think the passing game is real, and 2) the Bengals won’t be playing against a Belichic-coached team each week
To me, the scary piece is the defense, or lack thereof. Sure, the Bengals out-yardaged the Pats 426-376 … but don’t let that fool you. The Pat’s yards came easy, early and often. So, here are my three “Why Is Its” for this week.
– Why is it opposing QBs always seem to have 10-15 “all day to throw” throws each game, and Palmer NEVER has an “all day to throw” throw?
– Why is it opposing WRs always seem to be WIDE open 5-10 times per game, and the Bengals WRs are NEVER wide open? Can you recall the last time Palmer threw to a WIDE OPEN Bengals WR? I can’t.
– Why does Marvin Lewis always have a near-half-time mishap with the clock or personnel? You have a last-second throw from near mid-field, and your two fastest players are already in the locer room? No excuses.
So let’s count yesterday’s first 30:12 against 2009 stats. The Bengals’ 2010 season officially started at the 29:48 mark of quarter 3 … so, in my mind they won 21-7 and are 1-0.
Okay, I’m gettin out of the Hot Tub Time Machine – damned Steelers fans peed in it.