Does Andre Smith know that it's impossible to genetically determine the sex of a platypus?
Over the weekend, I was conducting field research on my latest preoccupation, the mating habits of hot celebrit…err, monotremes, when I had an epiphany about Andre Smith.
What, you don’t know monotremes? Well, you haven’t been spending enough time at Oddbounces then, have you? Long-time ‘bouncers come here all the time for just these sort of zoological ice breakers at their tailgate parties.
Anyway, I was brushing up on the platypus, one of only two known monotremes (the other the echidna, if you must know). This bizarre creature has baffled naturalists for over 200 years. Why? It’s a venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal that lays eggs. It needs to eat 20 percent of its own weight each day…meaning it spends 12 hours a day looking for food. Most scientists of the day thought it to be an absurd, ridiculous fraud.
Two hundred years later…
My epiphany hit me like a ball peen hammer. Before me was the vision of a ravenous Andre “Big Tub of Goo” Smith — with a duck bill, beaver tail, and huge otter feet. Not more than 10 feet in front of me, a hungry, drooling, lactating Smith lay on its back, effortlessly crapping out a pile of big, fat eggs.
The blob-like underbelly of Platypus Man in the wild.
And I do mean crapping them out. Platypi pee, fart, crap and have sex all from the same orifice. Kind of like the players union. Can you picture a 360-pound man-platypus squeezing out fresh eggs with a constipated grin on his face? Well, I couldn’t, until I saw it myself. And if Smith ever gets on the field, you’ll see this rarified oddity too. But you’ll wish you hadn’t.
It now seems clear that Smith, a modern monotreme, is the last survivor of an early branching of the mammal tree. He is, in fact, the missing man-platypus link that exists only to eat, lay eggs, and be ridiculed by the football community as a fraud.
And brilliant thinkers that they are, the Bengals drafted it.
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This new learning amazes me, Houdino! Suffice to say that Andre– er, Platypus Man must have one BUSY orifice. (NOTE to gentle readers: Be sure to adjust the volume on your speakers before clicking the link to “Platypus Man, I Hate You!”. I damn near shatterd my computer screen and caused heart palpitations to the inmate in the cell next to me.)