Bengals Sign Foul-Mouthed Chef to Big F***ing Contract to Enforce T.O. in F***ing Locker Room

1 Submitted by on Sat, 07 August 2010, 18:14

Hell is coming to the Bengals in the shape, scowl, and fury of T.O. enforcer Chef Gordon Ramsay.

Look who’s cooking a man-sized bowl of whoop ass a la mode? None other than feared celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay. News that Ramsay just signed a one year-contract with the Cincinnati Bengals is spreading across the Internet today faster than a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat.

It appears the Bengals are mitigating the risky signing of Terrell Owens by hiring kitchen drill sergeant Chef Ramsay as their locker room counter-weight to the unpredictable receiver.

Here’s what the notoriously straight-forward Ramsay told us via phone in an exclusive interview earlier this morning as he prepared for his flight from London to meet with the team in time for the Hall of Fame game.

“Everyone thinks T.O.’s an arsehole. But I have a very assertive way. It’s shut up, move your arse, or piss off home. I maintain f***ing standards. When I ask T.O. a f***ing question, he better start with, ‘Yes, Chef!’

Asked what he knows about the antics of Chad Stupid Name and T.O., Ramsay replied, “I’ve been reading media reports on the two. I’m absolutely gobsmacked. They’re so carried away with the glamor side of football, and there’s nothing f***ing glamorous when you’re busting your nuts off. Not in my kitchen.”

Ramsay was also asked what he knows about American football. “Who the f*** are you to ask me what I know about it, you french pig! What I know about football is enough to shove up your f***ing arse. Would you like it whole or diced? Now get your breasts off the counter you bloody cow! Donkey!”

The conference call ended there (and yes, my breasts are a bit large for a man, but how the hell did he know that?”).

In a follow-up interview with Bengals equipment intern Benny Feinschwacker, Oddbounces learned that the Bengals have already ordered full-length cooking frocks for the entire coaching staff. All indications are that Lewis’ motivational theme this year – “Now Piss Off!” – was scripted by Ramsay as a not-so-subtle warning to T.O.

Editor’s Note: Throughout our exclusive interview with Ramsay, Oddbounces’ staff came away with some exciting cooking advice from the Michelin-starred chef, such as, “You know, ‘Zilla, if you saute’ scallops in a non-stick pan, they won’t stick. That’s why it’s called f***ing non-stiiiiiick!! I don’t know what they call it in Cincinnati, sweetheart, but f**k me!”

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1 Response to "Bengals Sign Foul-Mouthed Chef to Big F***ing Contract to Enforce T.O. in F***ing Locker Room"
  1. NuffJohnson says:

    Thanks for the hilarious escapism, Houdino. After watching Sunday’s game against Dallas, maybe the Bengals offense have a better shot at winning a cook-off than a football game. (How great would it have been to see Gordon make one foul-mouthed pass through the Bengals locker room last night, addressing the team’s “performance” ?)

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