Half Samoan, half Minotaur, half cocked. You do the math.
By Higgy Smalls
Upon reading fellow O’bounster Timzilla’s take on our latest USC LBer, I got all giddy in the giddy-up to respond. I say the mythological Greek creature known as the Minotaur has been spotted in Cincinnati. And I say this half man-half bull legend is one hell of a LB.
Oh, yeah, you know the long-haired wonder of whom I speak of Minos, or Mr. Rey Minotaurluga.
After ascending the throne of Crete, Minos struggled with his brothers for the right to rule – we’ve all done this and I was able to knock my brother off his I’m-the-big-brother-and-much-cooler-than-you roost, too.
However, Minos being the obvious wimp that he is, prayed to Poseidon to send him a snow-white bull (WTF?), as a sign of approval. He was to sacrifice the bull in honor of Poseidon but decided to keep it instead because of its beauty.
To punish Minos, Aphrodite made Minos’ wife fall madly in love with the bull from the sea (we’re talking about bull love, guys). She had a wooden cow made for her and Minos’ wife climbed into it in order to , er, um…have sexy times with the white bull. The offspring of their coupling was a monster called the Minotaur.
Being the unnatural offspring of man and beast, he had no natural source of nourishment and thus devoured men for sustenance. Now, this is the obvious segue into being the ultimate football player right? Well, there’s more.
The bull from the sea resided near the island nation of Samoa. I mean. come on! How does an island with 55,000 people produce so many good football players without help? You guessed it, bull copulation resulting in Minotaur-like Samoan beasts. Marvin Lewis has known this for years due to his own personal quest to study bull love.
In the 2009 draft, Marvin bide his time and in the second round and pounced on the opportunity to draft The Minotaurluga.
Recent comments from former USC and current Bengals teammate Keith Rivers only serve to corroborate the story. Keith on Rey’s recent locker room activity, “He keeps runnin’ around growlin’ and saying crap like he wants to tear people up. I don’t know wus up wi’ that boy but he needs the season to start soon.”
Bengals equipment manager, Dave “Buzz” Spencer said, “I’m getting tired of this. He keeps tearing up his equipment like some kind of beast. I say play without those helmets. Back in the old days we just smashed each other’s heads in with no problems. Did I tell you back in the old days we used to smash … what was I saying?”
In order to satisfy the Minotaur blood coursing through his veins, Minotaurluga really needs this season to get here. Word has it that he’s itching to crush some guys and put the hurtin’ on ‘em proper. For this writer, personally, I can’t wait to see how he comes back this season and I believe he will be a game changer. Just don’t get too close if he’s hungry.
