By Nuff Johnson
At first glance it looked as if Ben Roethlisberger was attempting to clean up his tattered image by reaching out to his alma mater, Miami University. In an Oddbounces exclusive, rookie intern Kim Kimmy discovered that Roethlisberger informed Miami University Board of Trustees that, with nothing but time on his hands, he would like to service the university and reach out to the student body.
Pig Ben's trusty sidekick?
(Unless you sleep under a bridge and get your news from the newspaper that doubles as your blanket, you know that the Steelers’ QB has been suspended by the NFL for 6 games. Manhandling diminutive co-eds and evading legal prosecution are not supposed to be things that you associate with Super Bowl MVP’s. But this is not your father’s NFL, and this is the behavior that has become standard operating procedure for the arrogant Roethlisberger.
His recent misbehavior earned him the deserved nickname “Pig Ben” from Houdino, Oddbounces writer freshly arisen from hibernation.)
While addressing the Board, Ben appeared to be unprepared for the onslaught of questions that came out of his announcement. When asked about his plan to right his wrongs, his message to students and the lessons he would use as the basis of his program, he was clearly unprepared. Ben called an audible and pleaded with MU officials for a ”time out” during the onslaught of questions.
Later, during a moment of pure Ben-ness”, Roethlisberger opened up to the fresh-faced Kim Kimmy about what he hoped would happen. According to a shaken Kimmy, it went something like this:
Pig Ben's mantra: Liquor after liquor gets them there quicker
“Heh, how you doing? What grade are you in? You do know who I am, right?” said an un-smooth Roethlisberger.
Thinking he was well on his way to paydirt, he followed up with, “I got a cooler of PBR and some Jaegger in my truck, and maybe a roofie or two. Then I’ll drag you behind the football stadium and introduce you to ”Little Ben”.
Miami officials intervened on Kimmy’s behalf, while at the same time attempting to preserve whatever dignity Roethlisberger may still have intact. University trustees quickly introduced a 3-part motion requesting that Mr. Roethlisberger:
1) Button your fly and pour out that beer bong
2) Put that new Oddbounces intern down– now!
3) There’s something slick, slimy and furry on your head–get it out of here!
The motion passed without opposition, bringing Mr. Roethlisberg’s return to Miami short-lived–very short-lived. When asked to comment on the swift reaction by the Board, an angry Ben lashed out at, well, everyone.
Sometimes you feel like a rat's nest mullet, sometimes you don't.
”This just proves what I’ve always felt about Miami U– this place is run by anti-mullet racists.”
At last report, Ben was trying to reach NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence “Ain’t nothing statutory about anything I do” Taylor, reportedly to form an AAA chapter, the fledgling support group for Arrogant Accused Athletes.
Nuff said.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Rat’s nest mullet. he he, he he.
Did Houdino really say he he he he????