By Houdino
In a stunning announcement made today by the Cincinnati Bengals, former NFL running back O.J. Simpson has been signed to a one-year contract.
Simpson is currently serving a 33-year sentence, for robbery and kidnapping, at the Lovelock Correctional Center, Nevada. However, a return to professional football is possible as he will only be 60 if paroled in 2017, his first year of eligibility.
Asked why he would sign a washed up running back who may not see the light of day until the year 2041, Coach Marvin Lewis said, “Well, duh! Because Mike wanted me to. How long have you been covering this team?”
Simpson's charisma convinced even Aryan Nation prison gang members to participate in a Black Panther rally.
Lewis continued, “Like all of our free-criminal signings, he’s at the league minimum. It’s low risk, high reward. If O.J. doesn’t toe the line, we simply cut him. Umm, that was probably a poor choice of words.
“Be honest with me now, don’t you think he looks good in stripes?”
From the guard tower, Owner Mike Brown himself secretly observed Simpson’s workouts in ‘the yard’ from 2-3 pm every day for a week. Although the once-speedy Simpson’s 40 time was sub-par (9.25 secs), he became convinced he had something special as he watched Simpson use his leadership skills to consolidate power with at least three prison gangs.
Purportedly, Brown believes Simpson has the unique leadership skills that are required in the future to run his locker room.
When asked why he didn’t just go ahead and sign Satan to a contract, Brown said, “It works the other way around. Why do you think we’re winning? Besides, it would be a conflict of interest. O.J. has secured Mr. Beelzebub as his representation.”
