By Nuff Johnson
Bob Bratkowski, during 3rd & 3 against the Chargers last month
Just days before the biggest game at Paul Brown Stadium in four years, Oddbounces has learned that Bengals Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski has checked into the Betty Ford Sleep Disorder Clinic on the U.C. campus.
He is expected to be available for Saturday’s playoff game against the Jets, although like last week—and the week before that, and the week before that– he is not expected to be operating at 100 percent by game time.
Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer offered words of encouragement to his cohort on the other side of the ball.
“I’m thrilled Bob is finally seeking professional help … it’s been painful to watch the deterioration,” said Zimmer.
“In addition to his sleep walking, he’s showing signs of narcolepsy. It’s sad and embarrassing to hear the thud of his massive forehead hitting the tabletop during meetings. And the snoring and mumbling … and spittle. Sad.”
Oddbounces asked Marvin Lewis about Brat’s status: “Hopefully the medical staff will OK Brat to be upstairs Saturday,” Lewis said, “so he can make calls … that allow our guys to make plays … and stop their guys from making plays … converting on third down … so we can win a football game in January … and that’s a good thing.” (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)
After watching the results of his season-long, gameday sleep-walking for the better part of four months now, Bengals fans can only offer a collective “Godspeed” to Coach Bratkowski.
Brat's worst nightmare on 1st & 10: The forward pass.
Oddbounces has learned the ailing Bengals OC also suffers from a season-long bout of “spiralaerophobia” … or fear of the forward pass.
‘nuff said.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen Nuff! The Bengals need to come out firing on all cylinders on Saturday. They need to use Caldwell as the possession receiver so we can forget about TJ and it’s time to forget Chris Henry who really hasn’t been with the team for 3 years and try a few deep passes to Jerome Simpson. That will free up the run and open up the middle against a second string linebacker. It wouldn’t hurt to teach the tightends how to catch either.
Come on Bengals, don’t fail me now! I’ve been on quite a high being able to stick it to my Steelers-loving husband (“What’s that? Last year’s Super Bowl champions couldn’t even make it to the playoffs?”) and beating the Steelers not once but TWICE this season was SUPER SWEET, so PLEASE don’t get eliminated in the first round of playoffs! I’ve got a Costco membership and will be more than happy to donate a palate of No-DOZ to the Offensive Coordinator if he can just stay awake for next week’s game. WHO DEY!
Ed, they have to De-Dilferize Palmer on Saturday, weather permitting. He can dink and dunk for a few series, but he has to take some shots long and semi-long. And Chad Cinco De Mayo has to have a big game.
Hahaha … love your Costco comment! … you should write for Oddbounces.
Poor Bob Bratkowski, he’s been midsiagnozzzzed. What he suffers from is an extreme case of Fowardpassaphobia, a tragic phobia that strikes many an Offensive Coordinator who learned the game in the 70′s and 80′s.
It starts with the unrealistic fear that there are only three things that can happen with a forward pass, and two of them are bad and ends up with an over reliance on “three yards and a cloud of dust” offense.
There are a number of Psychologists on the west coast who first discovered this phobia and helped coaches develop the “West Coast Offense” to replace this abnormal fear of the forward pass.
Perhaps Bratkowski can get an appointment with John “go long” Murry, or Sigmund “Button Hook” Frued.
For serious cases, such as arrested football development, he may be able to get an appointment with Dr. Benjamin “Post Pattern” Spock.
He better act quickly, he’s only got 40 hours before game time.
Eggman
Dear B-Squared. Let’s not forget it is pretty easy to defense a for-sure-drop-back-passer (this is assuming a pass at all of course), so take whatever pill cures Roll out at least once in a while phobia, too.
I agree … and for the first time since Palmer’s injury he really look comfortable moving and throwing out of the pocket, which is what he was doing earlier in the season. But for some reason that stopped. Why, coach Brat?
Living on the East Coast, we rarely saw the Bengals play this season. And when we finally did, I had to ask how they made it to the playoffs. In both Jets games, they looked like the same Bungles I’ve always known. God bless them for keeping some things constant in this turbulent world.
Buckster, you’re maybe being just a little too hard on them. This isn’t the same Bungles. They were a legit playoff team, just not a legit second-round playoff team. They looked good at time this year … but there’s still more than a few holes to fill.